Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I'm Only Human

Yes, I leave the house without makeup on, and I am not ugly.  I hangout with my family (AND ACTUALLY ENJOY IT), Im not too cool to pretend they don't exist.  I dance around the house like nobody's watching, Im no Pro but it brings me joy.  I still listen to pop music.  I love cats, that doesn't make me a crazy cat lady.  I have problems that I can't hide, that doesn't make me insane.  I am a hopeless romantic, I am not obsessive.  I make mistakes.  I do the cup song literally every time I see a plastic cup.  I am not perfect, and I don't strive to be.  I am not what the world defines as a "Popular kid".  I am homeschooled and I love it because it works for me.  I am Christian and I am not judgmental. I don't have an iPhone (anymore), I have a red slide phone and that doesn't make me "not cool".  I spend my weekends watching netflix and eating ice cream, that doesn't mean I am anti-social; Its my way of recharging after a crazy week.

Guys, listen.  You don't need to be defined by what the world says about how you need to act, or what you have to do or what you have to like to be accepted.  Don't listen to the societal norms.  I know you get these "Braveheart" speeches all of the time, and I am not here saying you have to listen to what I am saying, It isn't "My way or the highway".  I am talking from experience.  I scroll through Social Media thinking "Oh I wish I had those clothes!"  or "Gosh, why does everyone else in the world seem to be perfect? They are going to parties, having lots of friends, listening to Bands I have never heard of, and I'm here not doing any of those things."  Truth is, everyone leads a different life, life experiences look different for everyone.  This is even true in families.  I love my sister, but we are not very similar.  At this point in her life, she has lots of friends, is always going somewhere and doing something.  She gets up and goes to a school everyday, she has an iPhone, she is well liked, tall, beautiful, and really funny.  I look at her life and want to be her so badly.  I am so blinded by my desire to be somebody that I am not that I miss the point.  God made everyone unique.  That being said, nobody can be the exact same, but everyone is similar.  We are all human.  You think you are alone in feeling anxious or self conscious or whatever, YOU.  ARE.  NOT.  Everyone shows it differently, people only post what they want you to see.  They don't tell you that the same day they went to an amazing concert, had a photo session with all of their friends and posted all of the pictures, and went to dinner with their girlfriend/boyrfriend, that they cried themselves to sleep that night because they felt like a failure.  They have fears, they have dreams of perfect situations that didn't happen.  They don't share these things, but they are real.  My point is, you don't wait until you are older to realize that all that popularity, all those trips to Forever 21 to get the latest trends, all the selfies, all the starving yourself to get that thigh gap, all the second guessing, it just isn't worth it.  In the long run, all you need is to be confident in who you are and what you love.  Be crazy, be passionate, be human, don't be afraid to mess up, an just love.  The ones who really matter will accept you regardless.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

That little light at the end of the tunnel...

So I suppose a blog post is long overdue.  I have been in major transition mode.  GOOD transitions.  Absolutely blessed transitions.  The meds I have been on for the past year, all 4 different brands have not been working.  Things are always gonna be hard in life, but I just can't seem to understand why everything seemed to be going wrong... all at once.  A little over a month ago, all hell seemed to be breaking loose.  I had lost control, I was worse than I have ever been.  Panic attacks multiple times a week, passing out all the time, tremors all over my body, major mood swings, and my family walking on eggshells trying to keep me from totally loosing it yet again.  I couldn't handle being at school for more than 15 minutes before the school had to call EMT's because I was having a panic attack.  My mom finally scheduled me to see my doctor thinking that we were going to need to change my medication once again.  About a week before that my counselor had my mom give me a genetic test or something that she sent in to a Lab.  Anyways, a few days before my appointment my mom got a call from my doctor.  She wanted to see me right away.  So she moved the Appt. up to the next morning.  We went in... My doctor started to explain my test results.  She said that when my results came back I tested positive for Pyroluria.  I thought "Oh big deal... this just means I will have to take a few more vitamins."  I had never heard of Pyroluria, but my doctor explained to my mom and I.  She said it is an immune deficiency, causing my body not to produce B6 vitamins and zinc.  She told us that the range for the results was on a 1-9 scale, with 1 being a small deficiency, and 9 being a quite high deficiency.  My results came back a 66.  Talk about off the charts.  Pyroluria, though not commonly known, is often mistaken for psychiatric disorders.  People with this disease have extreme imbalances in their body chemistry, causing dramatic mood swings, panic, anxiety, depression etc.) Patients who have Pyroluria are often misdiagnosed with a psychiatric disorder like Bi-Polar, and Schizophrenia, Clinical depression or various anxiety disorders.  My doctor immediately put me on an extremely high dose of B6 and Zinc, that can cause extreme side effects, and can possibly kill a person who doesn't have this disease.

OK enough of me ranting with a bunch of medical talk.  My point of this entire post, is celebration!  I have been on these supplements and various things for about a month now, and I am certainly not out of the woods yet, BUT I AM PRAISING THE LORD.  I am finally feeling better, and seeing strides of stability in my life, and my family's lives.  I am smiling, dancing, writing, and just being dorky (HA), but thats okay because it means I am feeling happy again.  For me its kind of like learning to ride a bike again.  I am learning how to be happy and confident and bright for the first time in so long.  Prayer has been so so so huge, and I can't thank everyone enough who have been praying for these days to come.  I still have my daily little battles, but overall it feels like a brand new life.  I can finally see that little light at the end of the tunnel, and I am elated to someday live in the light for eternity with my Lord and Savior.  More updates to come soon!

<3 Mads