Monday, January 26, 2015

the letter.

Please don't freak out as you read this post. I wrote the following letter for myself at one of the darkest points of my depression. It's a VERY candid, non-edited written explanation of my thought process in the midst of shear agony. I wrote this on the day I was going to give up. The most painful day for me to date. I remember very little about that day. I do remember a few things. I remember the screams that came from my mouth saying "just let me go" as I sat in a cold basement. I remember sitting in the waiting room in the ER, clutching my teddy bear with tears streaming. It all felt like a dream, or a nightmare rather, like I was watching this unfold from a distance. I am in a very different place today than I was that day, and relieved to say that at the moment things are going well. I never want to go back to how I felt that day. Never. But if I had to, I would walk through hell with a smile. Well, here goes: Trigger Warning (this means stop reading if the following is upsetting in any way).

Unexplainible pain.  Gives up.  Think, no I can't anymore.  1 step forward… oh yes.  Two steps back.  Becoming two-million.  This is real, but why isn't it?  Green bracelet once again.  Screaming my mind towards you who don't LISTEN.  Plan a trip.  Back to hell.  No sleep for the… weary?  Done?  Agonized?  Give me a second, no the rest of my life.  Ask about my scars.  Feel the drip…drip…drip.  The poke and the bruise.  Couches in pain.  Agony, no more pain.  Just numb.  A year of this.  Maybe more, can't tell anymore.  THE SAME QUESTIONS by the white coats.  Stone walled faces sending me away from comfort.  Me: help.  Them: How are you feeling today?  Am I, you know… me?:  Undescribable, the pain you can only see through tears, and see through the marks of the blade.  The pain only ever somewhat understood when the body is all that is left cold.  Morbid?  Yes.  The true feeling?  Yes.  Even now you will not understand.  You will ask: What does this mean?  Oh if you only knew how much it meant.  See thats just it.  Until you are sucked in too, you will never know the real truth.  Blue signs seen through the windshield, leading you to hours of yet pointless stares and questions by people in white coats that say they only want to help.  How can they?  The only thing that keeps me here in pain, is you.  Let me go.  Let me say goodbye one last time.  Slip into whatever is next.  Pain being cured by a box of rocks.  Speak up for us.  Carry our weary bodies that can't even feel the pain anymore.  Lost souls.  We are not afraid of dying, we are afraid of feeling dead and still being another beating heart.  Why am I ever even trying to show you these mere words.  You still will never get it.  I try to tell you… I am begging with every last ounce for you to understand.  Them:  food is fuel  Me: No food keeps us alive, but why would I want to be alive if this is my life?!  Body is going limp.  I am slipping.  Is it the light I see, or bright darkness?  Slipping…slipping….slip…  I am already gone but still here.  The days of pain and sadness are long over.  This has become more.  Eating alive from the inside and the outside and everywhere all of the time.  Our eyes are long gone.  DONT YOU GET IT YET?!  I couldn't pull through.  People don't know you anymore.  You have become the one that nobody understands, and everyone fears.  I am so sorry…. don't call the police, what will they do?  They will carry me into forever.  World, they say you are beautiful.  How can they see it and not I?  Giving up…dying for real this time into a death from which you can never return… The world will never know… running on low..empty..nothing..everything.. finally reaching the final checkpoint.. she's gone?  Yes, she.. is gone.

depressed an anxious: the piggy mama.

Getting Mayzie has been the biggest blessing. For all the daily depression and anxiety I go through, she makes my day 100000x better. Before she was here, it was about me. What time I felt like getting up. When I felt like feeding myself (If ever), when I felt like working. Now I push myself, because I have a bigger responsibility. Now, Im not saying if you have depression you need to go out and drop 3 grand on a mini pig. I'm saying it helped me. Helped me to realize that even if that day I couldn't live for myself, I had to live to take care of something that depended on me. Some days the evil {BEEEEP} named Marvin is in the drivers seat. It was my dads idea to give a name to the anxiety/depression. I guess it works. Now I can just yell at Marvin, instead of beating myself up for everything. I never chose Mental Illness. I suppose in a twisted way, it chose me. I have an understanding of this struggle that I could have never had. Is it weird to say I am thankful for all of it? Thankful for the hospitals and facilities who helped me? Thankful for the people I met along the way? Well, I am. I wasn't at first, but looking back.. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for those things. Marvin would have kicked my butt. It's because I wasn't alone (seriously, and figuratively ha!). You can't fight a battle all on your own. I had my people. The ones that stayed by my side while I trekked through a hurricane. Most importantly, I have my faith. Now, here I am and I'm a teen pig mom (inside joke). I know part of my purpose here, and haha I guess this little piggy helped me realize that in a way. Marvin still comes knocking on my door everyday, but its what I do to show it that I am in control of this is what matters. Well there you go. Three things to learn from this post: Buy a mini pig; name your depression/anxiety; never fight alone. The struggle is so real. Nobody struggles alone. Mental Illnesses of all kinds are so much more common than they should be. Take advantages of the struggles you go through, because in the end it doesn't matter what the tough stuff was. It matters what you learned and who you've become.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Baby Steps [Baby Bites]

Full Disclosure: The following post is an honest description of how I feel, and is not in any way meant to upset or offend anyone. Some parts are darker than others as a result of just writing candidly. This blog is not meant to sugar coat mental health, but to try to explain how it really is, and how you can grow and find hope even in really hard or depressing places.

I can feel my body shutting down. This isn't good. I could say I never meant to take it this far, but did I? 4 years of denying myself a healthy amount of caloric intake. This is not what I wanted. My brain is so foggy that I can't even remember why I started this. It doesn't even really matter why I got to this place does it? It's how I'm going to get out of it. Learning to tell myself that food is good. It's so much harder than you could ever imagine. People who have not experienced an eating disorder firsthand, through a loved one, or even yourself don't always get it. Its not as simple as just eating again. Eating a slice of pizza isn't simple, in fact in my brain its catastrophic. That is really how it feels. I see food as a number. Well, in reality I see two numbers. I see the number of calories, and I also see how much I weigh. It all started with the desire for perfection. It started with just one thought. Then it became my controller. It consumed me. Simple things like going out to eat, family dinners, grocery stores.. they are all agonizing. This isn't how it is supposed to be. I hate to admit it, but it all started with me knowing this was the reality, and not stopping myself even when I knew about the damage that was caused. Well here I am. I sleep for 14+ hours a day, because my body can't function for more than 10 hours before I crash. Ensure Plus is a staple (even though the mass of calories freaks the heck out of me). I can't handle solid food, so I'm on a baby diet of soft foods. If I happen to eat solid food, it doesn't always stay down. All food intake comes in a package of guilt, nausea, and anxiety.  Eating Disorders are serious. If I can't get myself to start eating again, it won't be long before a feeding tube goes in. Yep. It has gone that far. Only a few pounds away from the hospital. I hate this disorder. It controls my life when all I want is for it to go away. It will get easier probably, but it will always be in the back of my mind. It takes a whole lot of Jesus to get through the day, and a whole lot of faith that he is with me to get through this life.  The good thing is that he IS with me, and with all of us. I just need to embrace the idea of "Resting in Him", because I can do (an conquer) all things through Christ who strengthens me. Xx, maddie

Saturday, January 3, 2015

therapy pig

Happy to announce the adoption of Mayzie, the therapy pig!  Right. as if the Regan's hadn't lost their minds enough.  Yep, we are getting a pig.  She is a micro-mini pig, and in her adult size, she will only be about the size of an adult cat.  A couple of months ago, it was recommended that we invest in a therapy animal, to help mitigate anxiety and panic attacks for me.  Originally we were looking at a Golden Retriever Dog, but as much as I love dogs, I am not a dog person.  I did some research on regulations for Psychiatric Service Animals, and I came across Pot-Belly pigs as an option.  I did a little more reading, and found that you have to go through a very long process of permits to be able to own a large livestock animal as a pet.  So I looked up miniature pigs.  I had heard of them but had never really considered the idea of having one as a pet.  It is an uncommon choice as both a pet and a therapy animal, but it is an option nonetheless.  So, in 2 weeks we get to pick up little (and I mean little, she is only 6 weeks, and weighs only 1 pound) Mayzie from the Portland Airport.  She is coming from a breeder in California.

We are so excited for a new addition to our family!  Once we jump through all of the hoops of trying to get her registered for a therapy animal, she will be able to go with me (almost) anywhere.  Pigs do not have fur, they have hair, and are 95% hypo-allergenic.  They do not have sweat glands, so they do not smell.  They are also litter box trained before they come to us from the breeder.  Pigs are easily trained, and are the 4th most intelligent animal behind Dolphins/Whales.  Pigs are not always the stereotypical "fat and rolling in the mud" type.  They make great pets!  I am so beyond excited for her to get here!

Here is a picture of her:

Will post updates when she arrives!