therapy pig

Happy to announce the adoption of Mayzie, the therapy pig!  Right. as if the Regan's hadn't lost their minds enough.  Yep, we are getting a pig.  She is a micro-mini pig, and in her adult size, she will only be about the size of an adult cat.  A couple of months ago, it was recommended that we invest in a therapy animal, to help mitigate anxiety and panic attacks for me.  Originally we were looking at a Golden Retriever Dog, but as much as I love dogs, I am not a dog person.  I did some research on regulations for Psychiatric Service Animals, and I came across Pot-Belly pigs as an option.  I did a little more reading, and found that you have to go through a very long process of permits to be able to own a large livestock animal as a pet.  So I looked up miniature pigs.  I had heard of them but had never really considered the idea of having one as a pet.  It is an uncommon choice as both a pet and a therapy animal, but it is an option nonetheless.  So, in 2 weeks we get to pick up little (and I mean little, she is only 6 weeks, and weighs only 1 pound) Mayzie from the Portland Airport.  She is coming from a breeder in California.

We are so excited for a new addition to our family!  Once we jump through all of the hoops of trying to get her registered for a therapy animal, she will be able to go with me (almost) anywhere.  Pigs do not have fur, they have hair, and are 95% hypo-allergenic.  They do not have sweat glands, so they do not smell.  They are also litter box trained before they come to us from the breeder.  Pigs are easily trained, and are the 4th most intelligent animal behind Dolphins/Whales.  Pigs are not always the stereotypical "fat and rolling in the mud" type.  They make great pets!  I am so beyond excited for her to get here!

Here is a picture of her:

Will post updates when she arrives!

victory days

Today was a big victory day.  A victory day is something I came up with when I was struggling to find hope for my future.  When it started out, a victory was something as simple as remembering to take my medicine, or actually showing up to therapy.  Those victories were called "small victories".  Each accomplishment small, but moving me towards bigger successes.  The small victories gradually got bigger and bigger.  Adding to the list of everyday victories was getting back into a routine with school.  There were days when depression took over, and even eating breakfast was a huge deal.  See, this is how it is.  When you struggle with something like depression, you learn to set aside the big things and just do everything you can to fight to make it to the next day, and on the bad days even to the next hour.  It's all about the fight, and the strength.  It is hard.  I know it is.  It really sucks some days, and you just want to give up and scream that you are a failure and can't even remember to feed the cat.  Let me tell you one thing.. and listen closely.  YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.  You made it today.  You win a battle the second you put your feet on the ground in the morning, and fight for the little things.  It's okay that your goal at the moment maybe isn't to get into Harvard.  Maybe it is just to find happiness in that day.  That is okay.  I got my drivers permit today.  This was my big victory.  I never thought that would be possible for years, given what I have been through up until even a few days ago.  I am living proof that you can defy the odds even if its a million to one chance.  Walking out of the DMV today, to someone they might be happy for me, but for me personally it went so much deeper than that.  It meant that with that same strength and fight I use even to get though the day, I could do anything.  So don't loose sight of that when you are feeling hopeless.  Yes, it might seem impossible at the moment.  Heck, a month ago I was sitting in the emergency room in yet another one of those 'bad days'.  That was a month ago.  30 days.  But, here I am now.  I am still moving forward in the ways that I can.  It isn't downhill from here, I will still struggle.  It simply goes to show that even though life can kick the living daylights out of you, you don't have to let the depression win.  You have the choice to fight.  I'm going into the next year ready to face whatever comes, knowing how far I have come.  Don't give up just yet, God isn't done with you.  The unknown day will come when I will pass away, but I am not going to be the one to make that decision.  I have been to the edge, ready to take that jump, and it is one of the darkest places a person could ever be.  Something in me knew I had to stay, if not for myself, but for others.  My life isn't about me.  It is about serving others, and going through experiences that shape who I am.  Most of all, it is about the big guy upstairs.  With Christ we can do all things, even the most seemingly hopeless.

two-thousand fourteen

Well this past year has been an interesting one.  Never thought I would be writing some of the things written in this blog.  But here I am, this is my reality.  Some of the 'highlights' are:

3 inpatient hospital stays
3 months in residential care
1 year of therapy, doctors, hospital visits
20+ visits to the ER
2 hospitalizations for Pneumonia
2 bouts on Mono
6 months of missed school

The list goes on.  Haha I'm laughing because this isn't your usual "Year In Review", because it isn't.  The experiences I have had in a 12 month period, are not common occurrences.  They do happen though.  It happens so much more often than you think, some people just hide behind closed doors.  They hide it because it isn't a glamorous lifestyle.  Some have shoe collections and have been to 4 different countries.  People like me, have collections of bracelets and plastic hospital cups, and have been to 4 different hospitals.  It isn't something that the world understands.  The world perceives people with mental health issues to be unstable and something to stay away from.  It is quite the opposite.  Yes we have our unstable moments, but not everyone with a mental health diagnoses is certifiably insane.  We are simply fighting an illness, that is very much mental instead of physical.  We wake up fighting everyday to make it to the next day, or even hour.  We fight voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough, too fat, too ugly, not worthy to live.  To an extent, every person that is born struggles with some form of questioning their self-worth.  When I said the thing about people who have shoe collections and travel the world, that doesn't mean that our life might not look like that too.  Some of us live a 'Secret Life' in the mental health world, and I often find myself to be one of those people.  I would say 75% of the time, I am an open book about my struggles.  I'm only open about it when the situation is one where my story could be encouraging.  Though struggling is not something to be ashamed of, I will hide this side of me in some instances.  Pretend it isn't happening, and post a picture of hanging out with friends, or wearing fancy clothes, or modeling for family pictures.  The truth is, those pictures capture a fraction of a second of our lives.  They don't capture the truth.  They are made to be happy and shiny and to "Put up a good front" to seek favor from others.  I am not ashamed to proclaim Jesus as my Lord, and acknowledge the fact that without his love and mercy, I would never have the courage to share what I do.  I say this to encourage you, whoever you are.  I'm not saying you have to go out and announce on a billboard how much life can completely suck sometimes, ha!  I am saying that if you are struggling in some way, tell people about it.  That's how we work.  As humans, we thrive on interaction and love, among support and empathy.  Do be warned, not everyone will accept your reality.  Heck, even in writing this blog over the past year, some people who were very close to me have created distance, simply because they don't understand or cannot relate.  That's OK.  Share whats going on in your life with those that care to listen, be transparent.  I took a risk in opening my story to share, but I don't regret it one bit.  I get so much encouragement to keep sharing, because it relates to people.  I love that it helps, even just a little bit.  I never want to stop writing, and yes someday the stories will change, and this phase of my life will be yet another chapter in the past.  My writing is not perfect.  Thats the thing, neither is my life.  Think of it as a journal.  No, I don't tell you what I eat for breakfast or what I am wearing today, but every once in a while I share the important things, because thats the story that needs to be heard.  Oh and by the way, Merry Christmas to everyone!!

it's christmastime!

I apologize for the lack of update in these past months.  Things have been hard.  I have been writing everyday, but more to help myself to process the events.  The things I have written are bare and raw.  Things that I am just not ready to share because the pain is still so fresh.  I am still here, but I'm not sure that I can share that much of what has been going on.  I am tired, and weak from this battle.  Having people come alongside me especially right now means more than I can describe.  I will not be  updating very often for a little while so I can have some time to sift through what I can and cannot share.  Thank you all for the encouragement in sharing what little I am able to.  Things are in full swing preparing for Christmas, when I get to see so many of you in Arizona.  All 5 of us will be in town around Christmas and New Years.  I want to see a ton of people, but as you can imagine, with my anxiety that is hard for me.  My intention is to at least say hi and give people a hug even if I am not able to do something for an extended period of time depending on how things are going.  Please message/text me if you are in town, there are SO many people haha so I will not be able to keep track unless you let me know.  Anyways, I hope everyone is having an amazing holiday season!  I will try to update as I can.

Hello?

Its amazing to see how far a person can come in just a years time.  I have chosen to be more private recently, for personal reasons.  But here goes.. 






I feel so horrible, and stripped having to type this, but somebody needs to know how I feel.  I honestly dont even want to share this, but some people need to know how much depression can affect a person, and their daily life.  this is it, the real feelings, The truth.  I am not mad at anyone, but can someone just show me that they care?  I don't want to sit in my room anymore talking to a cat.  Would anyone even care if I was gone?  I dont even want to think about that, but hopelessness trickles in.  People who don't get it say, oh it's fine, it will go away.  Or even things like, "Oh its not that bad, it is probably just all in your head."  THAT IS THE PROBLEM.  It is in my head, and thats why it will not go away.  Don't try and convince a person with clinical depression that there is something wrong with them, or that they should be ashamed for not hiding their depression.  The best thing you can do is just be there for that person, be a shoulder to cry on.  That is exactly how I feel.  I need a friend right now.  I need someone to help me, talk to me, LISTEN to me.  Someone that isnt my parents or a therapist.  Someone that will just cry with me, and just care.  I hate that it has come down to this.  I am so swamped right now with Therapy and doctors etc.  Where are all of the people who said they care?  The ones who said they would always be there.    I hate pretending like I am someone I'm not.  I am so lost.  You said you were going to be there, where are you?  I could keep typing... but I dont even know what else to say.  Someone, anyone...

I'm Only Human

Yes, I leave the house without makeup on, and I am not ugly.  I hangout with my family (AND ACTUALLY ENJOY IT), Im not too cool to pretend they don't exist.  I dance around the house like nobody's watching, Im no Pro but it brings me joy.  I still listen to pop music.  I love cats, that doesn't make me a crazy cat lady.  I have problems that I can't hide, that doesn't make me insane.  I am a hopeless romantic, I am not obsessive.  I make mistakes.  I do the cup song literally every time I see a plastic cup.  I am not perfect, and I don't strive to be.  I am not what the world defines as a "Popular kid".  I am homeschooled and I love it because it works for me.  I am Christian and I am not judgmental. I don't have an iPhone (anymore), I have a red slide phone and that doesn't make me "not cool".  I spend my weekends watching netflix and eating ice cream, that doesn't mean I am anti-social; Its my way of recharging after a crazy week.

Guys, listen.  You don't need to be defined by what the world says about how you need to act, or what you have to do or what you have to like to be accepted.  Don't listen to the societal norms.  I know you get these "Braveheart" speeches all of the time, and I am not here saying you have to listen to what I am saying, It isn't "My way or the highway".  I am talking from experience.  I scroll through Social Media thinking "Oh I wish I had those clothes!"  or "Gosh, why does everyone else in the world seem to be perfect? They are going to parties, having lots of friends, listening to Bands I have never heard of, and I'm here not doing any of those things."  Truth is, everyone leads a different life, life experiences look different for everyone.  This is even true in families.  I love my sister, but we are not very similar.  At this point in her life, she has lots of friends, is always going somewhere and doing something.  She gets up and goes to a school everyday, she has an iPhone, she is well liked, tall, beautiful, and really funny.  I look at her life and want to be her so badly.  I am so blinded by my desire to be somebody that I am not that I miss the point.  God made everyone unique.  That being said, nobody can be the exact same, but everyone is similar.  We are all human.  You think you are alone in feeling anxious or self conscious or whatever, YOU.  ARE.  NOT.  Everyone shows it differently, people only post what they want you to see.  They don't tell you that the same day they went to an amazing concert, had a photo session with all of their friends and posted all of the pictures, and went to dinner with their girlfriend/boyrfriend, that they cried themselves to sleep that night because they felt like a failure.  They have fears, they have dreams of perfect situations that didn't happen.  They don't share these things, but they are real.  My point is, you don't wait until you are older to realize that all that popularity, all those trips to Forever 21 to get the latest trends, all the selfies, all the starving yourself to get that thigh gap, all the second guessing, it just isn't worth it.  In the long run, all you need is to be confident in who you are and what you love.  Be crazy, be passionate, be human, don't be afraid to mess up, an just love.  The ones who really matter will accept you regardless.

That little light at the end of the tunnel...

So I suppose a blog post is long overdue.  I have been in major transition mode.  GOOD transitions.  Absolutely blessed transitions.  The meds I have been on for the past year, all 4 different brands have not been working.  Things are always gonna be hard in life, but I just can't seem to understand why everything seemed to be going wrong... all at once.  A little over a month ago, all hell seemed to be breaking loose.  I had lost control, I was worse than I have ever been.  Panic attacks multiple times a week, passing out all the time, tremors all over my body, major mood swings, and my family walking on eggshells trying to keep me from totally loosing it yet again.  I couldn't handle being at school for more than 15 minutes before the school had to call EMT's because I was having a panic attack.  My mom finally scheduled me to see my doctor thinking that we were going to need to change my medication once again.  About a week before that my counselor had my mom give me a genetic test or something that she sent in to a Lab.  Anyways, a few days before my appointment my mom got a call from my doctor.  She wanted to see me right away.  So she moved the Appt. up to the next morning.  We went in... My doctor started to explain my test results.  She said that when my results came back I tested positive for Pyroluria.  I thought "Oh big deal... this just means I will have to take a few more vitamins."  I had never heard of Pyroluria, but my doctor explained to my mom and I.  She said it is an immune deficiency, causing my body not to produce B6 vitamins and zinc.  She told us that the range for the results was on a 1-9 scale, with 1 being a small deficiency, and 9 being a quite high deficiency.  My results came back a 66.  Talk about off the charts.  Pyroluria, though not commonly known, is often mistaken for psychiatric disorders.  People with this disease have extreme imbalances in their body chemistry, causing dramatic mood swings, panic, anxiety, depression etc.) Patients who have Pyroluria are often misdiagnosed with a psychiatric disorder like Bi-Polar, and Schizophrenia, Clinical depression or various anxiety disorders.  My doctor immediately put me on an extremely high dose of B6 and Zinc, that can cause extreme side effects, and can possibly kill a person who doesn't have this disease.

OK enough of me ranting with a bunch of medical talk.  My point of this entire post, is celebration!  I have been on these supplements and various things for about a month now, and I am certainly not out of the woods yet, BUT I AM PRAISING THE LORD.  I am finally feeling better, and seeing strides of stability in my life, and my family's lives.  I am smiling, dancing, writing, and just being dorky (HA), but thats okay because it means I am feeling happy again.  For me its kind of like learning to ride a bike again.  I am learning how to be happy and confident and bright for the first time in so long.  Prayer has been so so so huge, and I can't thank everyone enough who have been praying for these days to come.  I still have my daily little battles, but overall it feels like a brand new life.  I can finally see that little light at the end of the tunnel, and I am elated to someday live in the light for eternity with my Lord and Savior.  More updates to come soon!

<3 Mads