New Site!

Really excited for the release of my new blog, TODAY!

http://www.therealityofhopeblog.com

This blog [trulybeautifullife.blogspot.com] has been transferred over, as well as all previous posts from that blog. [trulybeautifullife] will remain open for public viewing until summer 2015.

This new {candid} blog is a positive change to a more accessible preface, with lots more features; still keeping the same mission of sharing my personal stories, as well as spreading awareness of Mental Health Disorders in a way that can provide hope.

Check it out, and Share!

The Great And Terrible Blender

                I stumbled across this little heart-felt letter during one of many Pinterest Binges. Though I am not the exact person as the Author of this letter, I can relate in so many ways to what she says here. Very few people who watch loved ones trek through the journey of mental illness, know how to cope and love that person in the midst of watching them struggle. I am at a point where I am beginning to find the words to describe how I really feel, because for so long my go-to phrase for the questions of "What's wrong?" "Why are you doing that" etc. is simply: "I don't know". In another phase of life this might have been a defiant and flippant answer to avoid conflict. At that moment in time, I REALLY didn't have a good answer for why I was feeling, or acting a certain way.  I suppose someone could say that it is stupid or I am just being lazy. While I can see where people get that assumption; when your mind feels like it is in a blender, every moment of everyday, it is close to impossible to find our ground. We feel helpless. We feel as if we are going insane. 
                  A couple of years ago, I was at the Junior High Camp for my church. It was Sunday, the final day of camp. The night before I had stayed up all night with my leaders and friends, playing games and screaming our heads off. The next morning, as you might imagine: my voice was GONE. It felt like torture to give every effort to talk, scream, whisper.. ANYTHING. The end result? A tiny whisper. In my mind I was screaming, and turning beat red trying to force words from my mouth that were actually audible. That is the best description I have of what my mind feels like.. constantly.  My disorder wears me out, (metaphorically) screaming at me 24/7 to the point where my rational thoughts don't even stand a chance to be heard. It is agony to be at war with your own mind. You loose every sense of yourself, and thats when you revert to the physical. For me, it was cutting my arms and wrists, and starving my body until I resembled a walking skeleton. 
                     That isn't even the darkest part. I would go so far as to threaten my own life, and the safety of my family, sending our family headfirst into chaos and panic. It is excruciatingly painful to look back at those moments and question why I made those terrifying threats to the people that love and care for me the most.  That's another downfall. Those memories, and unprocessed emotions from those dark times, get mixed up in my "mind smoothie", appearing again in my weakest moments. Something as simple as a car alarm can turn my demeanor on a dime, from calm and bubbly, to paranoid and to panic attacks.. or in some cases, violence. So, next time yourself, or a friend is struggling with trying to figure out how to love a person w/ Mental Illness: Read this letter.
- Maddie
An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder:
Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder,     You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. It's not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it's not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.   It is possible that something that you said or did "triggered" us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that's not always possible, and it's not always clear why something sets off a trigger. 
The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn't feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat -- a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)

But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation.    This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don't have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.
We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience "burn out" from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.     Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better.    These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving.    One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.   Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them - deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you -- and other times, all we want to do is be around you. This is called splitting, and it's part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We're not saying it's "right." We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn't come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.   It's difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don't have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.     In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are.  You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group - dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It's as if we haven't outgrown that.   Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we've gotten our nickname of "chameleons." Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It's that extreme.   For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven't outgrown this. Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can't imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again - this is NOT your fault.     The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that "this too shall pass" and practice DBT skills - especially self-soothing - things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness.  It's smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.   On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It's important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD. 
We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. 

Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control.  We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances...and we canlearn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.

Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better. But, what about you?

If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too.  Here are some ideas:

• Remind yourself that the person's behavior isn't your fault
• Tap into your compassion for the person's suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering
• Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!
• In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath -- whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.
• Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.
• Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident

Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless.  This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.

This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.  

My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one's condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. 

I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don't give up.  I wish you peace.

Thank you for reading.
More Soon.

Is change a good thing?

Lot's and lot's of change. It's a good thing.. at least thats what they say. I can say that it is, but will I ever believe it? I've come so far haven't I? It is time to move on. I knew from the beginning that this wouldn't be forever. At the same time this seems like it will never end. I get better, and then my mind intervenes, and I slip up. Slip up's are okay, as long as you don't keep making the same mistake. Someday, maybe not today, things will change. That is going to be okay with me. It may scare the hell out of me to come out of my comfort zone, always having the fall-back net. Ive got to own up to this and know that I can do it. I have come so much father and made so much more progress than I ever thought I would. I know I can do this, I just loose sight of it at times. See, this is how I feel. I am constantly doubting my abilities, simply because I give anxiety the control over my happiness. I have every right to live my life. I have as much right to joy as anybody. Just because Melvin (I gave my anxiety a name: Melvin) claims that this is the easy way out, doesn't mean I believe it is. There is another way. It sounds cliche, but simply believing in yourself is half the battle. If you trust your strengths, and you set your heart on something, you can do anything. So I guess i'm in one of those inspirational modes. Believe me, Im not this positive all the time, heck, this only happens every once in a while. Mental Illness has the ability to suck every ounce of joy and life out of you. I never believed that I could have control over this, I always just let it take me over. I have wanted too many times to give up. Just throw the towel in. Give up myself. Succumb to the illness. You know why I'm still here, fighting? Faith. Faith in God, Faith in my family, faith in my support system, and faith in myself. In the times where I want to give up, all I have to do is lean on my family and my support and I have to know that when I can't be strong for myself, they can be my strength. They only do that because they have faith in me. Thats my secret. People look at my life and are shocked at what Iv'e overcome, but its simple really. Just have faith, and everything will be okay. Maybe it won't seem like it right away, it might be weeks, months, years. See thats the funny thing about it, faith isn't about seeing the results, its about believing that you can be strong. Life can throw you under the bus so many times, but it isn't so bad.. sometimes you will just get thrown under a fiat and not an 18-wheeler.

OK. So my analogies are bad, but whatever :)
Really though, everyday means progress, but just because you feel hopeless, doesn't mean hope doesn't exist. Alright, enough deep, sappy, "inspirational" stuff from Maddie today guys..
I will be 17 in 2 weeks.. YAY! Life is truly beautiful, you just have to train yourself to see the positives in the negative situations.

Have a lovely day!
Xx, mads

the letter.

Please don't freak out as you read this post. I wrote the following letter for myself at one of the darkest points of my depression. It's a VERY candid, non-edited written explanation of my thought process in the midst of shear agony. I wrote this on the day I was going to give up. The most painful day for me to date. I remember very little about that day. I do remember a few things. I remember the screams that came from my mouth saying "just let me go" as I sat in a cold basement. I remember sitting in the waiting room in the ER, clutching my teddy bear with tears streaming. It all felt like a dream, or a nightmare rather, like I was watching this unfold from a distance. I am in a very different place today than I was that day, and relieved to say that at the moment things are going well. I never want to go back to how I felt that day. Never. But if I had to, I would walk through hell with a smile. Well, here goes: Trigger Warning (this means stop reading if the following is upsetting in any way).

Unexplainible pain.  Gives up.  Think, no I can't anymore.  1 step forward… oh yes.  Two steps back.  Becoming two-million.  This is real, but why isn't it?  Green bracelet once again.  Screaming my mind towards you who don't LISTEN.  Plan a trip.  Back to hell.  No sleep for the… weary?  Done?  Agonized?  Give me a second, no the rest of my life.  Ask about my scars.  Feel the drip…drip…drip.  The poke and the bruise.  Couches in pain.  Agony, no more pain.  Just numb.  A year of this.  Maybe more, can't tell anymore.  THE SAME QUESTIONS by the white coats.  Stone walled faces sending me away from comfort.  Me: help.  Them: How are you feeling today?  Am I, you know… me?:  Undescribable, the pain you can only see through tears, and see through the marks of the blade.  The pain only ever somewhat understood when the body is all that is left cold.  Morbid?  Yes.  The true feeling?  Yes.  Even now you will not understand.  You will ask: What does this mean?  Oh if you only knew how much it meant.  See thats just it.  Until you are sucked in too, you will never know the real truth.  Blue signs seen through the windshield, leading you to hours of yet pointless stares and questions by people in white coats that say they only want to help.  How can they?  The only thing that keeps me here in pain, is you.  Let me go.  Let me say goodbye one last time.  Slip into whatever is next.  Pain being cured by a box of rocks.  Speak up for us.  Carry our weary bodies that can't even feel the pain anymore.  Lost souls.  We are not afraid of dying, we are afraid of feeling dead and still being another beating heart.  Why am I ever even trying to show you these mere words.  You still will never get it.  I try to tell you… I am begging with every last ounce for you to understand.  Them:  food is fuel  Me: No food keeps us alive, but why would I want to be alive if this is my life?!  Body is going limp.  I am slipping.  Is it the light I see, or bright darkness?  Slipping…slipping….slip…  I am already gone but still here.  The days of pain and sadness are long over.  This has become more.  Eating alive from the inside and the outside and everywhere all of the time.  Our eyes are long gone.  DONT YOU GET IT YET?!  I couldn't pull through.  People don't know you anymore.  You have become the one that nobody understands, and everyone fears.  I am so sorry…. don't call the police, what will they do?  They will carry me into forever.  World, they say you are beautiful.  How can they see it and not I?  Giving up…dying for real this time into a death from which you can never return… The world will never know… running on low..empty..nothing..everything.. finally reaching the final checkpoint.. she's gone?  Yes, she.. is gone.

depressed an anxious: the piggy mama.

Getting Mayzie has been the biggest blessing. For all the daily depression and anxiety I go through, she makes my day 100000x better. Before she was here, it was about me. What time I felt like getting up. When I felt like feeding myself (If ever), when I felt like working. Now I push myself, because I have a bigger responsibility. Now, Im not saying if you have depression you need to go out and drop 3 grand on a mini pig. I'm saying it helped me. Helped me to realize that even if that day I couldn't live for myself, I had to live to take care of something that depended on me. Some days the evil {BEEEEP} named Marvin is in the drivers seat. It was my dads idea to give a name to the anxiety/depression. I guess it works. Now I can just yell at Marvin, instead of beating myself up for everything. I never chose Mental Illness. I suppose in a twisted way, it chose me. I have an understanding of this struggle that I could have never had. Is it weird to say I am thankful for all of it? Thankful for the hospitals and facilities who helped me? Thankful for the people I met along the way? Well, I am. I wasn't at first, but looking back.. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for those things. Marvin would have kicked my butt. It's because I wasn't alone (seriously, and figuratively ha!). You can't fight a battle all on your own. I had my people. The ones that stayed by my side while I trekked through a hurricane. Most importantly, I have my faith. Now, here I am and I'm a teen pig mom (inside joke). I know part of my purpose here, and haha I guess this little piggy helped me realize that in a way. Marvin still comes knocking on my door everyday, but its what I do to show it that I am in control of this is what matters. Well there you go. Three things to learn from this post: Buy a mini pig; name your depression/anxiety; never fight alone. The struggle is so real. Nobody struggles alone. Mental Illnesses of all kinds are so much more common than they should be. Take advantages of the struggles you go through, because in the end it doesn't matter what the tough stuff was. It matters what you learned and who you've become.

Baby Steps [Baby Bites]

Full Disclosure: The following post is an honest description of how I feel, and is not in any way meant to upset or offend anyone. Some parts are darker than others as a result of just writing candidly. This blog is not meant to sugar coat mental health, but to try to explain how it really is, and how you can grow and find hope even in really hard or depressing places.

I can feel my body shutting down. This isn't good. I could say I never meant to take it this far, but did I? 4 years of denying myself a healthy amount of caloric intake. This is not what I wanted. My brain is so foggy that I can't even remember why I started this. It doesn't even really matter why I got to this place does it? It's how I'm going to get out of it. Learning to tell myself that food is good. It's so much harder than you could ever imagine. People who have not experienced an eating disorder firsthand, through a loved one, or even yourself don't always get it. Its not as simple as just eating again. Eating a slice of pizza isn't simple, in fact in my brain its catastrophic. That is really how it feels. I see food as a number. Well, in reality I see two numbers. I see the number of calories, and I also see how much I weigh. It all started with the desire for perfection. It started with just one thought. Then it became my controller. It consumed me. Simple things like going out to eat, family dinners, grocery stores.. they are all agonizing. This isn't how it is supposed to be. I hate to admit it, but it all started with me knowing this was the reality, and not stopping myself even when I knew about the damage that was caused. Well here I am. I sleep for 14+ hours a day, because my body can't function for more than 10 hours before I crash. Ensure Plus is a staple (even though the mass of calories freaks the heck out of me). I can't handle solid food, so I'm on a baby diet of soft foods. If I happen to eat solid food, it doesn't always stay down. All food intake comes in a package of guilt, nausea, and anxiety.  Eating Disorders are serious. If I can't get myself to start eating again, it won't be long before a feeding tube goes in. Yep. It has gone that far. Only a few pounds away from the hospital. I hate this disorder. It controls my life when all I want is for it to go away. It will get easier probably, but it will always be in the back of my mind. It takes a whole lot of Jesus to get through the day, and a whole lot of faith that he is with me to get through this life.  The good thing is that he IS with me, and with all of us. I just need to embrace the idea of "Resting in Him", because I can do (an conquer) all things through Christ who strengthens me. Xx, maddie

therapy pig

Happy to announce the adoption of Mayzie, the therapy pig!  Right. as if the Regan's hadn't lost their minds enough.  Yep, we are getting a pig.  She is a micro-mini pig, and in her adult size, she will only be about the size of an adult cat.  A couple of months ago, it was recommended that we invest in a therapy animal, to help mitigate anxiety and panic attacks for me.  Originally we were looking at a Golden Retriever Dog, but as much as I love dogs, I am not a dog person.  I did some research on regulations for Psychiatric Service Animals, and I came across Pot-Belly pigs as an option.  I did a little more reading, and found that you have to go through a very long process of permits to be able to own a large livestock animal as a pet.  So I looked up miniature pigs.  I had heard of them but had never really considered the idea of having one as a pet.  It is an uncommon choice as both a pet and a therapy animal, but it is an option nonetheless.  So, in 2 weeks we get to pick up little (and I mean little, she is only 6 weeks, and weighs only 1 pound) Mayzie from the Portland Airport.  She is coming from a breeder in California.

We are so excited for a new addition to our family!  Once we jump through all of the hoops of trying to get her registered for a therapy animal, she will be able to go with me (almost) anywhere.  Pigs do not have fur, they have hair, and are 95% hypo-allergenic.  They do not have sweat glands, so they do not smell.  They are also litter box trained before they come to us from the breeder.  Pigs are easily trained, and are the 4th most intelligent animal behind Dolphins/Whales.  Pigs are not always the stereotypical "fat and rolling in the mud" type.  They make great pets!  I am so beyond excited for her to get here!

Here is a picture of her:

Will post updates when she arrives!

victory days

Today was a big victory day.  A victory day is something I came up with when I was struggling to find hope for my future.  When it started out, a victory was something as simple as remembering to take my medicine, or actually showing up to therapy.  Those victories were called "small victories".  Each accomplishment small, but moving me towards bigger successes.  The small victories gradually got bigger and bigger.  Adding to the list of everyday victories was getting back into a routine with school.  There were days when depression took over, and even eating breakfast was a huge deal.  See, this is how it is.  When you struggle with something like depression, you learn to set aside the big things and just do everything you can to fight to make it to the next day, and on the bad days even to the next hour.  It's all about the fight, and the strength.  It is hard.  I know it is.  It really sucks some days, and you just want to give up and scream that you are a failure and can't even remember to feed the cat.  Let me tell you one thing.. and listen closely.  YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.  You made it today.  You win a battle the second you put your feet on the ground in the morning, and fight for the little things.  It's okay that your goal at the moment maybe isn't to get into Harvard.  Maybe it is just to find happiness in that day.  That is okay.  I got my drivers permit today.  This was my big victory.  I never thought that would be possible for years, given what I have been through up until even a few days ago.  I am living proof that you can defy the odds even if its a million to one chance.  Walking out of the DMV today, to someone they might be happy for me, but for me personally it went so much deeper than that.  It meant that with that same strength and fight I use even to get though the day, I could do anything.  So don't loose sight of that when you are feeling hopeless.  Yes, it might seem impossible at the moment.  Heck, a month ago I was sitting in the emergency room in yet another one of those 'bad days'.  That was a month ago.  30 days.  But, here I am now.  I am still moving forward in the ways that I can.  It isn't downhill from here, I will still struggle.  It simply goes to show that even though life can kick the living daylights out of you, you don't have to let the depression win.  You have the choice to fight.  I'm going into the next year ready to face whatever comes, knowing how far I have come.  Don't give up just yet, God isn't done with you.  The unknown day will come when I will pass away, but I am not going to be the one to make that decision.  I have been to the edge, ready to take that jump, and it is one of the darkest places a person could ever be.  Something in me knew I had to stay, if not for myself, but for others.  My life isn't about me.  It is about serving others, and going through experiences that shape who I am.  Most of all, it is about the big guy upstairs.  With Christ we can do all things, even the most seemingly hopeless.

two-thousand fourteen

Well this past year has been an interesting one.  Never thought I would be writing some of the things written in this blog.  But here I am, this is my reality.  Some of the 'highlights' are:

3 inpatient hospital stays
3 months in residential care
1 year of therapy, doctors, hospital visits
20+ visits to the ER
2 hospitalizations for Pneumonia
2 bouts on Mono
6 months of missed school

The list goes on.  Haha I'm laughing because this isn't your usual "Year In Review", because it isn't.  The experiences I have had in a 12 month period, are not common occurrences.  They do happen though.  It happens so much more often than you think, some people just hide behind closed doors.  They hide it because it isn't a glamorous lifestyle.  Some have shoe collections and have been to 4 different countries.  People like me, have collections of bracelets and plastic hospital cups, and have been to 4 different hospitals.  It isn't something that the world understands.  The world perceives people with mental health issues to be unstable and something to stay away from.  It is quite the opposite.  Yes we have our unstable moments, but not everyone with a mental health diagnoses is certifiably insane.  We are simply fighting an illness, that is very much mental instead of physical.  We wake up fighting everyday to make it to the next day, or even hour.  We fight voices in our heads telling us we are not good enough, too fat, too ugly, not worthy to live.  To an extent, every person that is born struggles with some form of questioning their self-worth.  When I said the thing about people who have shoe collections and travel the world, that doesn't mean that our life might not look like that too.  Some of us live a 'Secret Life' in the mental health world, and I often find myself to be one of those people.  I would say 75% of the time, I am an open book about my struggles.  I'm only open about it when the situation is one where my story could be encouraging.  Though struggling is not something to be ashamed of, I will hide this side of me in some instances.  Pretend it isn't happening, and post a picture of hanging out with friends, or wearing fancy clothes, or modeling for family pictures.  The truth is, those pictures capture a fraction of a second of our lives.  They don't capture the truth.  They are made to be happy and shiny and to "Put up a good front" to seek favor from others.  I am not ashamed to proclaim Jesus as my Lord, and acknowledge the fact that without his love and mercy, I would never have the courage to share what I do.  I say this to encourage you, whoever you are.  I'm not saying you have to go out and announce on a billboard how much life can completely suck sometimes, ha!  I am saying that if you are struggling in some way, tell people about it.  That's how we work.  As humans, we thrive on interaction and love, among support and empathy.  Do be warned, not everyone will accept your reality.  Heck, even in writing this blog over the past year, some people who were very close to me have created distance, simply because they don't understand or cannot relate.  That's OK.  Share whats going on in your life with those that care to listen, be transparent.  I took a risk in opening my story to share, but I don't regret it one bit.  I get so much encouragement to keep sharing, because it relates to people.  I love that it helps, even just a little bit.  I never want to stop writing, and yes someday the stories will change, and this phase of my life will be yet another chapter in the past.  My writing is not perfect.  Thats the thing, neither is my life.  Think of it as a journal.  No, I don't tell you what I eat for breakfast or what I am wearing today, but every once in a while I share the important things, because thats the story that needs to be heard.  Oh and by the way, Merry Christmas to everyone!!

it's christmastime!

I apologize for the lack of update in these past months.  Things have been hard.  I have been writing everyday, but more to help myself to process the events.  The things I have written are bare and raw.  Things that I am just not ready to share because the pain is still so fresh.  I am still here, but I'm not sure that I can share that much of what has been going on.  I am tired, and weak from this battle.  Having people come alongside me especially right now means more than I can describe.  I will not be  updating very often for a little while so I can have some time to sift through what I can and cannot share.  Thank you all for the encouragement in sharing what little I am able to.  Things are in full swing preparing for Christmas, when I get to see so many of you in Arizona.  All 5 of us will be in town around Christmas and New Years.  I want to see a ton of people, but as you can imagine, with my anxiety that is hard for me.  My intention is to at least say hi and give people a hug even if I am not able to do something for an extended period of time depending on how things are going.  Please message/text me if you are in town, there are SO many people haha so I will not be able to keep track unless you let me know.  Anyways, I hope everyone is having an amazing holiday season!  I will try to update as I can.

Hello?

Its amazing to see how far a person can come in just a years time.  I have chosen to be more private recently, for personal reasons.  But here goes.. 






I feel so horrible, and stripped having to type this, but somebody needs to know how I feel.  I honestly dont even want to share this, but some people need to know how much depression can affect a person, and their daily life.  this is it, the real feelings, The truth.  I am not mad at anyone, but can someone just show me that they care?  I don't want to sit in my room anymore talking to a cat.  Would anyone even care if I was gone?  I dont even want to think about that, but hopelessness trickles in.  People who don't get it say, oh it's fine, it will go away.  Or even things like, "Oh its not that bad, it is probably just all in your head."  THAT IS THE PROBLEM.  It is in my head, and thats why it will not go away.  Don't try and convince a person with clinical depression that there is something wrong with them, or that they should be ashamed for not hiding their depression.  The best thing you can do is just be there for that person, be a shoulder to cry on.  That is exactly how I feel.  I need a friend right now.  I need someone to help me, talk to me, LISTEN to me.  Someone that isnt my parents or a therapist.  Someone that will just cry with me, and just care.  I hate that it has come down to this.  I am so swamped right now with Therapy and doctors etc.  Where are all of the people who said they care?  The ones who said they would always be there.    I hate pretending like I am someone I'm not.  I am so lost.  You said you were going to be there, where are you?  I could keep typing... but I dont even know what else to say.  Someone, anyone...

I'm Only Human

Yes, I leave the house without makeup on, and I am not ugly.  I hangout with my family (AND ACTUALLY ENJOY IT), Im not too cool to pretend they don't exist.  I dance around the house like nobody's watching, Im no Pro but it brings me joy.  I still listen to pop music.  I love cats, that doesn't make me a crazy cat lady.  I have problems that I can't hide, that doesn't make me insane.  I am a hopeless romantic, I am not obsessive.  I make mistakes.  I do the cup song literally every time I see a plastic cup.  I am not perfect, and I don't strive to be.  I am not what the world defines as a "Popular kid".  I am homeschooled and I love it because it works for me.  I am Christian and I am not judgmental. I don't have an iPhone (anymore), I have a red slide phone and that doesn't make me "not cool".  I spend my weekends watching netflix and eating ice cream, that doesn't mean I am anti-social; Its my way of recharging after a crazy week.

Guys, listen.  You don't need to be defined by what the world says about how you need to act, or what you have to do or what you have to like to be accepted.  Don't listen to the societal norms.  I know you get these "Braveheart" speeches all of the time, and I am not here saying you have to listen to what I am saying, It isn't "My way or the highway".  I am talking from experience.  I scroll through Social Media thinking "Oh I wish I had those clothes!"  or "Gosh, why does everyone else in the world seem to be perfect? They are going to parties, having lots of friends, listening to Bands I have never heard of, and I'm here not doing any of those things."  Truth is, everyone leads a different life, life experiences look different for everyone.  This is even true in families.  I love my sister, but we are not very similar.  At this point in her life, she has lots of friends, is always going somewhere and doing something.  She gets up and goes to a school everyday, she has an iPhone, she is well liked, tall, beautiful, and really funny.  I look at her life and want to be her so badly.  I am so blinded by my desire to be somebody that I am not that I miss the point.  God made everyone unique.  That being said, nobody can be the exact same, but everyone is similar.  We are all human.  You think you are alone in feeling anxious or self conscious or whatever, YOU.  ARE.  NOT.  Everyone shows it differently, people only post what they want you to see.  They don't tell you that the same day they went to an amazing concert, had a photo session with all of their friends and posted all of the pictures, and went to dinner with their girlfriend/boyrfriend, that they cried themselves to sleep that night because they felt like a failure.  They have fears, they have dreams of perfect situations that didn't happen.  They don't share these things, but they are real.  My point is, you don't wait until you are older to realize that all that popularity, all those trips to Forever 21 to get the latest trends, all the selfies, all the starving yourself to get that thigh gap, all the second guessing, it just isn't worth it.  In the long run, all you need is to be confident in who you are and what you love.  Be crazy, be passionate, be human, don't be afraid to mess up, an just love.  The ones who really matter will accept you regardless.

That little light at the end of the tunnel...

So I suppose a blog post is long overdue.  I have been in major transition mode.  GOOD transitions.  Absolutely blessed transitions.  The meds I have been on for the past year, all 4 different brands have not been working.  Things are always gonna be hard in life, but I just can't seem to understand why everything seemed to be going wrong... all at once.  A little over a month ago, all hell seemed to be breaking loose.  I had lost control, I was worse than I have ever been.  Panic attacks multiple times a week, passing out all the time, tremors all over my body, major mood swings, and my family walking on eggshells trying to keep me from totally loosing it yet again.  I couldn't handle being at school for more than 15 minutes before the school had to call EMT's because I was having a panic attack.  My mom finally scheduled me to see my doctor thinking that we were going to need to change my medication once again.  About a week before that my counselor had my mom give me a genetic test or something that she sent in to a Lab.  Anyways, a few days before my appointment my mom got a call from my doctor.  She wanted to see me right away.  So she moved the Appt. up to the next morning.  We went in... My doctor started to explain my test results.  She said that when my results came back I tested positive for Pyroluria.  I thought "Oh big deal... this just means I will have to take a few more vitamins."  I had never heard of Pyroluria, but my doctor explained to my mom and I.  She said it is an immune deficiency, causing my body not to produce B6 vitamins and zinc.  She told us that the range for the results was on a 1-9 scale, with 1 being a small deficiency, and 9 being a quite high deficiency.  My results came back a 66.  Talk about off the charts.  Pyroluria, though not commonly known, is often mistaken for psychiatric disorders.  People with this disease have extreme imbalances in their body chemistry, causing dramatic mood swings, panic, anxiety, depression etc.) Patients who have Pyroluria are often misdiagnosed with a psychiatric disorder like Bi-Polar, and Schizophrenia, Clinical depression or various anxiety disorders.  My doctor immediately put me on an extremely high dose of B6 and Zinc, that can cause extreme side effects, and can possibly kill a person who doesn't have this disease.

OK enough of me ranting with a bunch of medical talk.  My point of this entire post, is celebration!  I have been on these supplements and various things for about a month now, and I am certainly not out of the woods yet, BUT I AM PRAISING THE LORD.  I am finally feeling better, and seeing strides of stability in my life, and my family's lives.  I am smiling, dancing, writing, and just being dorky (HA), but thats okay because it means I am feeling happy again.  For me its kind of like learning to ride a bike again.  I am learning how to be happy and confident and bright for the first time in so long.  Prayer has been so so so huge, and I can't thank everyone enough who have been praying for these days to come.  I still have my daily little battles, but overall it feels like a brand new life.  I can finally see that little light at the end of the tunnel, and I am elated to someday live in the light for eternity with my Lord and Savior.  More updates to come soon!

<3 Mads

My top Makeup Picks for Summer 2014

These are my top everyday makeup picks for summer 2014!

Elta MD Skincare

Tinted Sunscreen and foundation

Maybelline

Instant Age Rewind Dark Circle Treatment Concealer

Maybelline

Dream Bouncy Blush in Fresh Pink

Saks Fifth Avenue

Blush and Bronzer

Stila

Vibrant in Vancouver Pallate

Perfect Point Plus

Eyeliner in Espresso

Voluminous Million Lashes Mascara

Residential Treatment

A month ago I stepped out of the doors of a place I had been for 3 months.  It was a gut wrenching experience.  It was hard, there were tears.  Overall my experience was a good one.  Residential did and continues to change my life as I look at possibilities for more treatment.  I want so badly to share my story and make an impact in this hurting world.  To let others know that they are not alone.  One of my biggest struggles is with self harm.  It became almost an addiction, to feel the pain because I felt so numb.  I continue to struggle with Self harm even today.  It is tearing apart my family and I can't let it do that anymore.  I am so sorry to all of those that I hurt by hurting myself.  That is why I am seeking more help.  Never be afraid to ask for help.  I have had to ask for help many times.  Heck, I even had to call the National Suicide Hotline.  Depression is so real.  I never would have wanted this for my life.  I want to be a normal 16 year old girl who doesn't have to be monitored 24/7.  I don't want to have to go into my little sisters room with blood dripping from my body crying for help.  I don't want to have to worry about my parents asking me to take meds.  What happened at the mall a few months ago, I planned.  I planned to cause damage.  I planned to cause hurt.  I scared the crap out of my boyfriend by pretending to pass out.  I am broken and crying out for help.  Lord, please pour your peace on me right now.  I need you now, I need to rest in you.  All of those things I have done were in a desperate attempt to show how much pain I am in.  I did this because I didn't want to communicate or didn't know how to communicate with my words.  It was like a knife in the heart.  Yes this post was meant to talk about Residential, but I suppose it turned into me communicating the pain I am experiencing.

I am stable now, but seeking out more help.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers, and pray for the Lords guidance in the next step he wants for me to take.  Whether thats back to Residential, or whatever he has planned.  This blog isn't meant to be shiny and happy, it is meant to be REAL.  It is simply me crying out saying that I am a broken child of God.  I continue to wake up every morning, still here, and it makes me cry because I know it means I have a purpose.  I feel so purposeless, but I know God has a plan when he continues to hold me when it seems that every fiber in my body is broken, my brain is fuzzy and I don't understand.  Because of this I will praise God everyday, and will continue to give him crumbs.  Some people would ask why, If there was a God would such a loving God allow so much pain?  I strongly believe that it is my purpose to go through all of this.  I will come out of this someday and will have proof of an amazing journey.

I love you all, and continue to stay strong,
<3 mads

Anxiety and Peanut Butter

Anxiety is a disorder.  You can't just snap your fingers and everything is okay.  You feel like you are drowning, having irrational thoughts.  Irrational thoughts that make you do irrational things.  I have found that in my life, as I look back I have let anxiety win far too many times.  Just like the scars on my arms, I can't let this define me.  That is letting the devil win.  I want to be that Pinterest quote that says: "I wanna be the type of girl, that when her feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil cringes and says "oh crap, SHES up.""  I refuse to let the devil have a foothold in my life with my anxiety.  Yes, I do have an anxiety disorder that feels like peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, and you work hard to get rid of it, and it is hard but it won't be there forever.  With a hell of a lot of work, I can kick anxiety's butt.  It won't be there forever as long as I am willing to do the work.

Much Love,

- mads <3

Playing with Fire...

"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness.  They are signs of having tried to remain strong for so long"
         
                   - anonymous

My mom shared (some obvious) insight with me today.  Everyone, someday will die.  We were talking in the context of cats oddly enough, but the point should still come across.  We are not meant to last forever, we are meant to last long enough to make an impact for the glory of the kingdom.  I am not weak because I cry myself to sleep, or have a panic attack, or are depressed.  I have dealt with pain for years now.  I am by no means giving up, but I am going to be open.

Yesterday was another tough day where I doubted if my existence on this earth meant anything to anyone, and I put my family and those who were close to the situation in between a rock and a hard place.  I am reaching out and asking for prayer tonight, for me, my family and for love and peace to surround our home as we are trying to figure this out.  I am beyond blessed to be apart of an amazing ministry called Death to Life Revolution.  Without them, I would not be here today.

Maddie Regan: My Video Blog

Check out and Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for Vlogs, DIY, and more!

These scars, they are so real.

Scar
n. a mark left on something following damage of some kind.

A Hurting and broken person.  That was me, I was hurting and broken and I chose to cut my body.  In turn, leaving various scars.  I honestly always thought "Oh that will never be me, I will never do that to my body."  But here I am, and my scars would argue otherwise.  If you are reading this, and you can look yourself in the mirror and see scars, please know that you are not alone.  In fact you are never alone.  I was a walking dead girl.  I hid for too long.  I never spoke up and asked for help until things got out of hand.  I never stopped myself.  I wish I had, but at the same time it wouldn't allow me to share that experience with other people like me.  Cutting your body, or "Self harming" (Which can take many forms) is not the answer.  If I was honest with myself, I wouldn't listen to this advice, but this is why you NEED to.  It wasn't only hurting myself, but it was hurting others around me way worse.  The people I affected were left with emotional scars that nothing I could ever do could heal.  My family, my friends and everyone close to me was hurt every time I decided to break their trust in me.  I lost trust.  I lost my mind.  Now I can't look at a pencil sharpener and not think of the damage I could do, how corrupted is that?!  It has been 2 months, and a lot of hard work for me to say I am clean.  They are no longer cuts, but healing scars.  The definition of a scar is spot on.  I was damaged by depression and chose to cause scars, which in turn caused its own damage.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are reading this and hurting, I have a different answer for you.  Jesus.  Don't run for a blade, run for the cross as fast as you can.  You don't have to listen to me, after all Im just sixteen.  What do I know?  But I do know something.  I know that my scars are healing, and there is so much hope.  

http://d2lrevolution.com

Death to life.  Like I said, I was a walking dead girl.  I went from death to life.  This website and this ministry helped change my life.  For all of those who are hurting and broken, it is an outlet for you to talk with other people about hope, instead of giving up.

I love you all, and always be strong.

Hebrews 2:10 -
"For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering."

<3 Mads

Happiness... A Testimony

There have been so many reasons to smile today and everyday.  Most of the time I ignore them, but I am so happy right now.  I am not going to ignore these things.  I just wanted to say how much people encouraging me through this has made me happier than words.  A good friend once gave me an amazing analogy.  Through this whole experience I feel like I have ignored the Lords will for me through this.  She told me that even if all I could give him was crumbs, that was OK.  He will take those crumbs and turn them into something amazing someday.  So there were days where all I could give were crumbs.  I would thank God for the simple things.  I remember when I got baptized.  It was at my favorite place in the entire world.  Kanakuk Kamps.  This place changed my life.  I was ready to finally tell the world that I have committed my entire life to the Lord, no more hiding things.  I was baptized at 9pm in Table Rock, together with some of my best friends.  Cabin 7.  A year at Kanakuk that will be unforgettable.  I grew closer to the Lord that year than I have been in such a long time.  If you are wondering what Kanakuk is, WELL it is craziness, happiness, hyperness, smiles, tears, love all mixed up in one.  Kanakuk is a sleep away camp in Missouri.  4 summers ago I went to K1, my first year at Kamp for a month.  K1.  My counselors Anna, Joanie, and Danielle changed my life and showed me what living a life devoted to Christ was really like.  Then the next year in middle school at K-West, Anna and Lexi were my counselors.  These women were amazing, they brought our cabin so close knitted in Christ's love, and again, were true examples of women devoted to a life of Christ.  Then last summer in 2013, I was ready to show my true commitment.  At K2, the summer before my Sophomore year in HS, I was baptized alongside so many girls from our cabin, and I couldn't thank Monica and Leah enough for being there for me and those girls in love and again, true examples of Christ loving women.  I didn't go to Kanakuk this year.  I was still in treatment when Term 1 started.  I cried a lot on that day, May 31st.  I wanted to be there so badly, to see my friends and be filled with the Lord.  God had something else in mind, healing in treatment.  Healing and resting in him.  I have met some of the most amazing people through the past 6 months in treatment, who have been there for me, and still encourage me today.  I want to go back to my residential treatment, just so I can give all of the staff a hug and say THANK YOU.  Thank you for changing my life so I can be living my life out in the world  today.  Like I said yesterday, this is my life, but I am living every day for the one who made the heavens and the earth.  This is his life he made for me.

If you wanna check it out I strongly encourage it, Kanakuk Kamps is an amazing ministry and I can't wait to go back.  kanakuk.com <--- Check it out, it will change your life, It changed mine.

Love y'all (an yes I say y'all, and I got that from spending my summers at Kanakuk in the midwest, and every time I say Y'all it makes me smile and think back to the summertime)

God Bless! - Mads <3