Residential Treatment

A month ago I stepped out of the doors of a place I had been for 3 months.  It was a gut wrenching experience.  It was hard, there were tears.  Overall my experience was a good one.  Residential did and continues to change my life as I look at possibilities for more treatment.  I want so badly to share my story and make an impact in this hurting world.  To let others know that they are not alone.  One of my biggest struggles is with self harm.  It became almost an addiction, to feel the pain because I felt so numb.  I continue to struggle with Self harm even today.  It is tearing apart my family and I can't let it do that anymore.  I am so sorry to all of those that I hurt by hurting myself.  That is why I am seeking more help.  Never be afraid to ask for help.  I have had to ask for help many times.  Heck, I even had to call the National Suicide Hotline.  Depression is so real.  I never would have wanted this for my life.  I want to be a normal 16 year old girl who doesn't have to be monitored 24/7.  I don't want to have to go into my little sisters room with blood dripping from my body crying for help.  I don't want to have to worry about my parents asking me to take meds.  What happened at the mall a few months ago, I planned.  I planned to cause damage.  I planned to cause hurt.  I scared the crap out of my boyfriend by pretending to pass out.  I am broken and crying out for help.  Lord, please pour your peace on me right now.  I need you now, I need to rest in you.  All of those things I have done were in a desperate attempt to show how much pain I am in.  I did this because I didn't want to communicate or didn't know how to communicate with my words.  It was like a knife in the heart.  Yes this post was meant to talk about Residential, but I suppose it turned into me communicating the pain I am experiencing.

I am stable now, but seeking out more help.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers, and pray for the Lords guidance in the next step he wants for me to take.  Whether thats back to Residential, or whatever he has planned.  This blog isn't meant to be shiny and happy, it is meant to be REAL.  It is simply me crying out saying that I am a broken child of God.  I continue to wake up every morning, still here, and it makes me cry because I know it means I have a purpose.  I feel so purposeless, but I know God has a plan when he continues to hold me when it seems that every fiber in my body is broken, my brain is fuzzy and I don't understand.  Because of this I will praise God everyday, and will continue to give him crumbs.  Some people would ask why, If there was a God would such a loving God allow so much pain?  I strongly believe that it is my purpose to go through all of this.  I will come out of this someday and will have proof of an amazing journey.

I love you all, and continue to stay strong,
<3 mads

Anxiety and Peanut Butter

Anxiety is a disorder.  You can't just snap your fingers and everything is okay.  You feel like you are drowning, having irrational thoughts.  Irrational thoughts that make you do irrational things.  I have found that in my life, as I look back I have let anxiety win far too many times.  Just like the scars on my arms, I can't let this define me.  That is letting the devil win.  I want to be that Pinterest quote that says: "I wanna be the type of girl, that when her feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil cringes and says "oh crap, SHES up.""  I refuse to let the devil have a foothold in my life with my anxiety.  Yes, I do have an anxiety disorder that feels like peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, and you work hard to get rid of it, and it is hard but it won't be there forever.  With a hell of a lot of work, I can kick anxiety's butt.  It won't be there forever as long as I am willing to do the work.

Much Love,

- mads <3

Playing with Fire...

"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness.  They are signs of having tried to remain strong for so long"
         
                   - anonymous

My mom shared (some obvious) insight with me today.  Everyone, someday will die.  We were talking in the context of cats oddly enough, but the point should still come across.  We are not meant to last forever, we are meant to last long enough to make an impact for the glory of the kingdom.  I am not weak because I cry myself to sleep, or have a panic attack, or are depressed.  I have dealt with pain for years now.  I am by no means giving up, but I am going to be open.

Yesterday was another tough day where I doubted if my existence on this earth meant anything to anyone, and I put my family and those who were close to the situation in between a rock and a hard place.  I am reaching out and asking for prayer tonight, for me, my family and for love and peace to surround our home as we are trying to figure this out.  I am beyond blessed to be apart of an amazing ministry called Death to Life Revolution.  Without them, I would not be here today.

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These scars, they are so real.

Scar
n. a mark left on something following damage of some kind.

A Hurting and broken person.  That was me, I was hurting and broken and I chose to cut my body.  In turn, leaving various scars.  I honestly always thought "Oh that will never be me, I will never do that to my body."  But here I am, and my scars would argue otherwise.  If you are reading this, and you can look yourself in the mirror and see scars, please know that you are not alone.  In fact you are never alone.  I was a walking dead girl.  I hid for too long.  I never spoke up and asked for help until things got out of hand.  I never stopped myself.  I wish I had, but at the same time it wouldn't allow me to share that experience with other people like me.  Cutting your body, or "Self harming" (Which can take many forms) is not the answer.  If I was honest with myself, I wouldn't listen to this advice, but this is why you NEED to.  It wasn't only hurting myself, but it was hurting others around me way worse.  The people I affected were left with emotional scars that nothing I could ever do could heal.  My family, my friends and everyone close to me was hurt every time I decided to break their trust in me.  I lost trust.  I lost my mind.  Now I can't look at a pencil sharpener and not think of the damage I could do, how corrupted is that?!  It has been 2 months, and a lot of hard work for me to say I am clean.  They are no longer cuts, but healing scars.  The definition of a scar is spot on.  I was damaged by depression and chose to cause scars, which in turn caused its own damage.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are reading this and hurting, I have a different answer for you.  Jesus.  Don't run for a blade, run for the cross as fast as you can.  You don't have to listen to me, after all Im just sixteen.  What do I know?  But I do know something.  I know that my scars are healing, and there is so much hope.  

http://d2lrevolution.com

Death to life.  Like I said, I was a walking dead girl.  I went from death to life.  This website and this ministry helped change my life.  For all of those who are hurting and broken, it is an outlet for you to talk with other people about hope, instead of giving up.

I love you all, and always be strong.

Hebrews 2:10 -
"For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering."

<3 Mads

Happiness... A Testimony

There have been so many reasons to smile today and everyday.  Most of the time I ignore them, but I am so happy right now.  I am not going to ignore these things.  I just wanted to say how much people encouraging me through this has made me happier than words.  A good friend once gave me an amazing analogy.  Through this whole experience I feel like I have ignored the Lords will for me through this.  She told me that even if all I could give him was crumbs, that was OK.  He will take those crumbs and turn them into something amazing someday.  So there were days where all I could give were crumbs.  I would thank God for the simple things.  I remember when I got baptized.  It was at my favorite place in the entire world.  Kanakuk Kamps.  This place changed my life.  I was ready to finally tell the world that I have committed my entire life to the Lord, no more hiding things.  I was baptized at 9pm in Table Rock, together with some of my best friends.  Cabin 7.  A year at Kanakuk that will be unforgettable.  I grew closer to the Lord that year than I have been in such a long time.  If you are wondering what Kanakuk is, WELL it is craziness, happiness, hyperness, smiles, tears, love all mixed up in one.  Kanakuk is a sleep away camp in Missouri.  4 summers ago I went to K1, my first year at Kamp for a month.  K1.  My counselors Anna, Joanie, and Danielle changed my life and showed me what living a life devoted to Christ was really like.  Then the next year in middle school at K-West, Anna and Lexi were my counselors.  These women were amazing, they brought our cabin so close knitted in Christ's love, and again, were true examples of women devoted to a life of Christ.  Then last summer in 2013, I was ready to show my true commitment.  At K2, the summer before my Sophomore year in HS, I was baptized alongside so many girls from our cabin, and I couldn't thank Monica and Leah enough for being there for me and those girls in love and again, true examples of Christ loving women.  I didn't go to Kanakuk this year.  I was still in treatment when Term 1 started.  I cried a lot on that day, May 31st.  I wanted to be there so badly, to see my friends and be filled with the Lord.  God had something else in mind, healing in treatment.  Healing and resting in him.  I have met some of the most amazing people through the past 6 months in treatment, who have been there for me, and still encourage me today.  I want to go back to my residential treatment, just so I can give all of the staff a hug and say THANK YOU.  Thank you for changing my life so I can be living my life out in the world  today.  Like I said yesterday, this is my life, but I am living every day for the one who made the heavens and the earth.  This is his life he made for me.

If you wanna check it out I strongly encourage it, Kanakuk Kamps is an amazing ministry and I can't wait to go back.  kanakuk.com <--- Check it out, it will change your life, It changed mine.

Love y'all (an yes I say y'all, and I got that from spending my summers at Kanakuk in the midwest, and every time I say Y'all it makes me smile and think back to the summertime)

God Bless! - Mads <3

This is my life.

I wish I could say this isn't my life.  I wish I had never caused this much pain.  I did.  This is my life.  As much as I want to change my past, and go back to the times where everything was happy, I cannot.  It built me to the person I am today.  I know many people are inspired by my blog, but I also know that my writing inflicts pain in a handful of people's hearts.  They don't want to see me like this.  Believe me, I don't want to see me like this.  Writing on this blog is therapeutic for me.  Most people don't get it unless you've lived it.  I lived for so long in a lie.  Hiding things from friends and family, lying, putting on this mask.  This blog is a blessing.  Yes I am going to be honest and blunt, but thats only because I have the guts to be transparent.  If people don't like what I am writing, than they can choose not to read it, it is simple.  I am not going to hide anymore.  I want the world to know my story.  This isn't about you, it isn't even about me, it is about healing and hope.  I would rather live life with abandon and learn things than hide in a dark hole.  No more hospitals, no more treatment centers.  That goes to say, I still have urges to hurt myself and people need to understand that.  I am taking a huge risk by saying that openly.  I am not fully recovered, but I AM getting stronger every single day.

This is my life and I wouldn't change a thing knowing that it brings hope and encouragement to so many people. "She was never crazy.  She just didn't let her heart settle in a cage.  She was born strong, and sometimes we need people like her.  For it's the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours.  She was always willing to burn for everything she ever loved. - RM Drake

I have come such a long way in these past few years.  I have endured the storm, and no the storm isn't over, but I know I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  This is who I am.  I am the girl with a story of hope.  Yes my story is hard and brutally honest, but thats who I want to be.  I was never crazy.  I am just like every other person.  I have one eye, and I wouldn't ever wish it different.  I have a birthmark shaped like a band aid on my arm, which makes me smile every time I look at it.  I have scars on my arms that remind me of a brutal past, but hope for a future.  They were once bleeding, but now there is healing.  I am not ashamed of these things, because yes.  This is who I am.  This is the new me, and I couldn't be happier because it means hope.

Finding hope amidst sickness...

Still very sick :(  I went to the doctor yesterday, and was told that my pneumonia refuses to go away (Ha!), and I have the adult form of Mononucleosis... which was suspected at first.  I am continuing to smile though I feel very betrayed by my lungs.  On the very bright side, tomorrow I fly to LA to go to Newport Beach for a few weeks.  I can honestly say I am a little nervous, but a lot excited.  Blogging everyday helps a lot with my anxiety, writing is my passion.  I don't know how many people read my writing, but it means a lot to know I have somewhere I can go with my writing.  I have been passing out a lot, and am very forgetful which hurts.  It gets to the point where I have to say my name out loud just to believe that I am... well... me.  A lot of people have wondered about my faith through these trials.  I am going to be honest, when things were getting really bad a few months ago, I felt totally abandoned by God.  It took going through "The Friday Incident" to really realize where I stood.  I realized God had not abandoned me.  I find that I use the footprints prayer analogy too often, but it is so true in my life.  The story goes something like this... or at least this is my take on it:

When you go through a rough time or a "storm" some people look back at their footprints in the sand or the places they have walked through their journey, and they only see one set of footprints.  They feel alone, abandoned by a God who promises to be with us always.  They cry out to God, and he answers.  "The footprints that you see in the sand are not yours, for they are mine, I was carrying you the whole time".

That is one of my favorite stories in the world.  It gives me so much hope.  I know God never leaves me.  He was there in the Emergency room on that Friday.  He was there at the Parry Center.  He was with me in the hospital, and he is here with me now.  He always will be.
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Just Keep Swimming...

It is all real life today.  I suppose it is every other day, but today feels different.  I had freedom today.  I am capable of a lot of things but today I am making good decisions.  I got to be alone for a couple of hours which is refreshing considering I have been under constant surveillance for 4 months.  It was good.  I ate some ice cream (duhh) :) and had a lot of time to think.  I thought a lot about how I need to be more real.  I have been such a fake for so long, putting on a smile and living life.  I was living a lie.  Going back to my freshman year of high school.  I was the seemingly sweet and shy girl, who was always nervous and almost never spoke up in class.  I was at SCA.  I thought I was happy.  I wore cardigans to hide scars, I would avoid eating lunch and lie about it, I was anxious up to my ears.  It was a silent battle, one I wasn't willing to share with anyone except for a few people.  I wanted so badly to be popular, to be known but something was holding me back.  I LOVED choir and wanted so badly to be apart of the drama department, but every time I went to audition I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was ridiculous.  This wasn't me.  When I was little, my parents took me to disneyland.  All day I begged my parents to buy one of those spray fans from the merchandise carts.  I was just a little girl, but I knew what I wanted.  My parents patiently told me that they did not want to pay for anything like that.  In my tiny brain, I took it upon myself to get this fan.  I walked up to an older couple and reported that there was a fan that I wanted and my parents couldn't pay for it.  My parents were horrified, and the couple felt bad so eventually somehow I ended up with a mickey mouse spray fan that day.  See?!  I wasn't afraid to go after  what I wanted then, so why couldn't I now?  I didn't realize it then but it was severe depression and anxiety that were swallowing me whole.  I prayed continually that year for SOMETHING that would make me felt like I belonged at that school.  God opened my eyes so wide to the work he was doing in my heart that year.  I had countless friends who came alongside me, and blessed me by being there for me.  Secretly part of me wishes I never left that school.  I miss SCA a lot, all of the friends, all of the teachers, all the amazing memories.  Yes, you could say that it was one of the worst years of my life, with the escalating of my eating disorder, consuming depression and anxiety.  But no.  That was not God's plan for me and it still is not.  I'm not meant to wallow and feel bad for my past, but to change my life and run as fast as I can towards the cross.  I was given these trials for a purpose.  For the purpose much greater than I could ever imagine.  I just want to reach into my computer and hug every hurting person who reads this and cry with them, and tell them that everything is going to be just fine.  Yeah life sucks, and throws a ton of crap (being real y'all, life can have crap sometimes) at you from all directions.  We are made strong by our heavenly father, you can do it!  Never give up, for a sunny day is coming.  Tomorrow is always waiting.  I love you all, and God bless!!

-Mads

Painful memories… The worst day of my life

It is kind of a funny thing, missing a psychiatric facility, but I do.  I miss my friends, I miss the staff, I miss the campus.  I was there for 90 days.  The majority of my time there I was a mess.  Having panic attacks almost every day, my medication was off.  I just did not want to be there.  I would say however that the last month of my stay at The Parry Center, I saw a change.  I wanted to get better.  Before I had told someone that I wanted to stay here for as long as possible, I didn't want to change.  I wanted a label.  I told them that I wanted to be labeled as a psychiatric patient, who never wanted to live a normal life.  That all changed in one single day.  This part is painful for me to write as it was a day of horror for many people, so be warned if you are sensitive because I am going to be very real.  It was a Friday.  I had been waiting for this day for weeks.  I was ready.  It was the big day for my shopping day with my friends and sister at Washington Square.  My therapist and mom signed a few papers allowing me to go off campus, and then we were off.  I picked up all of my friends and we were Washington Square bound for what everyone thought was going to be an amazing day.  In my head, I knew differently.  My mom dropped us off and reported that she would be at the Starbucks in the mall if we needed anything, and then we were free.  I cringed as I realized my new found freedom.  At the Parry Center it was total lockdown, you had to ask to go to the bathroom and even to get into your own room.  This was the mall, I was "free".  We went to a few stores and bought a few things.  We decided to split up and thats when I knew I had my chance.  Quickly I went into a makeup store, and bought a eyeliner sharpener.  I told my friend that I had to go to the bathroom, so we both walked towards the restroom.  My palms were sweating, I knew what I was going to do.  I quickly went into a stall and smashed the sharpener retrieving the blade.  I looked anxiously at my left forearm, and then I did it.  After making several cuts I started to get dizzy, and things were starting to get fuzzy.  I had to get out of there.  I quickly hid the blade, put on my light grey sweatshirt and walked briskly out of the bathroom.  My friends asked if i was doing alright and I lied.  To this day if I had only told them I wasn't fine, maybe this would have all been different, but I told them, "I'm fine."  They told me that I had to go to my mom to take some meds.  I did not think twice, and went to take my meds.  As I walked into Starbucks I looked down at my arm.  Blood was seeping through and starting to drip.  I panicked.  It was too late.  My mom started to scream and I tried to run, but she and my friends grabbed me.  Things could have gone a lot differently.  They wouldn't let me go.  I started to hyperventilate and passed out.  My friend had to call 911 as me and my mom sat on the floor in the middle of Starbucks.  They took me in an ambulance to the hospital.  Emergency room number 15.  This will be important later on.  I never got to see my friends, and have not seen them since "the friday incident", it breaks my heart to know that I deceived them.  I love my friends, I still cannot believe I did this to them, my sister and my mom.  I was put in every restraint they could find at the hospital for trying to run.  As I laid strapped to a bed, my parents read my personal journal out loud.  Tears all around the room and sobs as they read horrifying words that I had written about myself, and how I had planned this whole thing knowing I would end up in the hospital.  I was taken that night back to the Parry Center, crying the whole way.  What did I do?  I ruined everything.  I lost more trust than I realized even then.

I look back on that day and wish with all of my heart that none of that ever happened.  I wish I hadn't lied.  A few weeks later after taking a few weeks back at the Parry Center to recuperate, I went on another outing.  My dad took me back to the mall, and this time it was not about schemes or shopping, but about healing.  We walked the entire mall, praying every step of the way for healing.  I walked into that Starbucks and tearfully asked for forgiveness from God for what I had done.  I am thankful for that time with my dad, and now I am not afraid to go to the mall anymore.  WELL this was quite the long blog, but I needed to say what I did.  Without the Lord, I would have ended my life.  I praise him everyday for a second chance.  Monday I discharged from the Parry Center, and came home with a fever.  The sickness quickly turned into more than just the flu.  I went to the hospital, to get a chest x-ray and fainted.  They took me to the emergency room.  Room 15.  The exact same room that had been so painful before, full of restraints and tears.  Now it was full of sickness, but laughter and smiles.  We prayed over that room.  Another chance God gave me to heal from "the friday incident".  I tell ya, God is amazing, and he works in the weirdest ways to bring good.  I am home now after spending 5 days at Randall Children's Hospital with Pneumonia.  It is SO good to finally be home.  Thank you all for continuing to pray and support me, it means the world to know that I am doing work for the king and hopefully encouraging other hurting people.  I love you all, and thanks for listening to me!

- mads

Humbling pnemonia

It has been 4 days in the hospital with pnemonia.  4 days meeting people like Patrick, Maria, Courtney and Monica.  All nurses who never stopped smiling and never left my side as I was recovering.  I reached a point today when my mom came to visit, I was done.  My arm was aching from the IV.  Wires were plugged into me from all directions.  I hated being in bed, I just wanted to go home.  Later this evening I was completley humbled.  As I walked up and down the halls of the 8th floor of Randall Childrens Hospital, I realized something.  I am crying as I write this because I realized I am only here for a week or so.  The posters and balloons and flowers I saw lining the rooms of other rooms meant they have been here for so much longer.  I am blessed to know kids like these.  Kids who battle illness much greater than mine.  True warriors disguised in hospital gowns.  I don't want to be here but I can honestly say I am humbled.  I am a princess and so is every girl in this hospital, amd every boy a prince.  Royalty of the true king, the healer.  I am praying everyday for each of these kids as they are on their journeys.  Thanking the Lord tonight for his mighty grace, and prayong for healing in this hospital.

The Diary of Reckless Abandon...

The Diary of Reckless Abandon is the title of my story I'm working on.  I have been writing things for year about my life and am just now working on putting things together.  I came up with the title when I was listening to a song about living a life of abandon.  It got me excited and I knew that that was perfect.  Since life is not perfect, I added a little reckless in there too, describing my life on this rocky road at times.  On that note, I will be blogging a lot more, and not sharing too many spoilers about my story.  For those of you who have been here since the beginning you know that I got to come home for good on Monday, and am elated!  There is a really neat story I thought I would share, hoping to encourage all of you.  About 6 years ago I went on a Mission Trip to Mazatlan, Mexico.  I went with a few very good friends and my Dad.  Our amazing hosts the Schofield family were gracious to host us.  We have known this family for a long time now, and have been praying for their mission work.  They recently took a team down to Puerto Rico, and while they were down there they read my story that I had posted on Fathers Day to the team. Since I got this news I have gotten hundreds of Post Cards from people in Puerto Rico on that trip.  It has been breathtaking to see that even in the midst of pain I am able to start something amazing for the Kingdom of God.  My Ministry is just beginning, and I am more excited than words to be able to share with the world.  Please share this blog and or my Facebook with anyone you think would be encouraged :)  Feeling very very loved today, and very honored to be doing work in his name, just by doing the simple task of writing.  I hope you will continue to pray alongside me and follow me in my journey!

- maddie

The Vanilla Boutique

In 2010 I started a business and named it "The Vanilla Bakery and Boutique".  Now, in 2014 my business is still growing but affectionately named "The Vanilla Boutique".  I handmade polymer clay charms, hair bows, bracelets, and everything in between.  My passion is also in event coordinating.  I looove throwing and decorating for parties, and spend way too much of my time on pinterest :)  I am very excited to see where business takes me in 2014, as this is something I am very passionate about and hope to continue doing for a long, long time!  I am also in the works of blogging more, as well as writing a book.  I am so extremely excited for this year, and hope I am able to encourage many people along the way!

Courage in darkness...

Courage is something that is hard to have, and hard to hold on to, especially in the midst of a storm.  I am a strong believer that everything in life has purpose, and I find that so hypocritical in the midst of my anxiety.  It is true though, life has purpose, and it will take MANY times of people telling me that life has purpose until I can fully grasp it.  I want to start to share my story with people, because I want to heal.  I do want to get better.  I was born Madeleine Marie Regan.  My life started out being a challenge.  I was a premie baby, born 4Ibs 6 ounces.  My dad tells me stories of how he used to be able to hold me in the palm of his hand I was so small.  My parents tell me one of their favorite things about me is that I was born without my right eye.  I let the lies that this is a bad thing creep in much too often.  Before I was 3, I had multiple surgeries to remove fluid from my brain, and to do partial facial reconstruction.  I spent the first few years of my life in and out an hospitals, doctors, scans, pokes, and things that still to this day remain vivid in my mind.  My accessories were my head helmet to help the shape of my head to develop, and various pieces of gauze, tape and eye patches covering my right eye.  I don't remember all of it, but their are many pictures with me and my one bright blue eye staring back at the camera with the biggest smile.  I didn't know I was different from the other kids.  I thought that it was a normalcy to have one eye, and to have one side of my nose very much smaller than the other.  Innocence.  In 2nd grade kids would ask questions, they would stare and I hated it.  I was a little fire ball ready to fight and stand up for myself.  Thats when I remember loosing my "happiness".  Little by little I was fading away from the happy and bubbly Maddie that everyone knew.  I have always had the gift of sympathy, and would always love healing people with just a little smile.  So much has happened since those first years of my life, I crossed the line of being a teenager, I survived my freshman year of high school, a move thousands of miles from Arizona, and here I am today.  Today I hold onto courage that things do get better, everyone has their storm, and one day things WILL be better.

Endless love, Unconditionally

It has been long overdue for a post.  I was listening to the song 10,000 reasons this morning, and totally started to cry as I do every single time I hear this song.  It tugs at my heart like nothing else.  It was the song that we sang every year at every church camp on the night that brought so many kids to christ.  It was the song I sang through tearful eyes as I declared my love for Jesus as I was baptized this summer.  Not a lot of people know what has been happening in my life these past few months, and I am not here to share details, but to encourage others, and just be real.  I have been going through one of the hardest storms of my life these past few months.  I really have hit the bottom, but I listen to the song 10,000 reasons, I am reminded that there is SO much to live for.  I refused to hear this truth in the midst of my storm when I was questioning whether or not life was worth living.  While I am still recovering from the storm, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that I didn't see before.  I just can't thank anyone enough for their prayers, and cards, and endless love for me and for my family as we battle this challenge.  I was in such a dark place these past few months.  I sing that song of 10,000 reasons for why I should live.  My purpose in this life isn't over yet.  I know that now. I thought that there was no reason for me to be alive, I was questioning God and his endless love for broken people, like me.  I just want to encourage anyone who is in a storm right now, and is yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is so worth living, and I want to scream that at the top of my lungs, because I know how it feels to be hopeless, and to shut people out, and to even go to far as to hurt yourself.  I promise you it isn't worth it.  I am forever grateful for the people that have loved me so unconditionally, so that I could be here today.  I do believe that things will be better.  I have not finished this trial yet, but seeing just a sliver of hope brings me so much hope for everything.  I made a poster that I put on my wall in my bedroom that says, "today I will choose joy".  This is what I need to tell myself, joy is worth living for.  The people in my life who know what is going on, THANK YOU for not giving up on me, especially my parents, you have blessed me more than I could ever say.

Today I will choose joy.

Break Away...

In life, you will make mistakes.  You will regret saying something, and even regret NOT saying something.  You wish that you could hit the repeat button on life.  You may feel like you would rather be invisible.  You might do something to hurt someone that you care about.  These are things of the devil.  They are all lies that we tell ourselves on a daily basis, that we are not good enough, people think I am weird.  We are all imperfect human beings in this world, who make mistakes, who feel hurt, and have insecurities.  I have struggled being insecure my whole life... Have you ever pretended to talk on the phone just so you could avoid an awkward moment with someone?  I have... and I laugh at myself because its so stupid that I can let insecurities get the best of me and not even say hi to a NORMAL person.... haha!(:  We let little lies slip into our heads, little by little.. and pretty soon we believe them.  It makes us feel terrible on the inside and takes away the joy and happiness, and leaves shyness and insecurity in our eyes, and it makes others notice.  I just want to encourage anyone who struggles with this on a daily basis.  It has affected me in more ways than I can count and it is absolutely ridiculous.  NEVER ever let anyone tell you that you are not good enough, because YOU ARE!  Don't be shy, don't be afraid to be awkward.  To tell you the truth, the worst you could do is embarrass yourself a little, but hey it would make for a great story at a reunion!(:  I know I might not live it out on a daily basis, but I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I don't need to care what others think AT ALL!  So what If I am awkward, so what if I might be a little dorky (Yikes!).  I am ME, a daughter of a king who created me perfectly and exactly who he wanted me to be.  I laugh at this because it is kind of hypocritical considering that I am so shy and I still let insecurities get the best of me, but I work on it daily.  Its hard to repair from something that hurt you, but I learn daily to move on.  Don't forget what the wound taught you, just remember that It is the past and this is the future.  Life is short, so live it to the absolute fullest, and do everything you can to represent the Kingdom of God.  Don't let anything bring you down, break through and be awkward, make mistakes, forgive, love, pray, and be yourself.

New Beginnings...

OK, so I posted this a couple of weeks ago on my Facebook wall, and my friends encouraged me to start blogging again.  The backstory if, is that this girl posted this as a comment on one of my photos on Instagram, and It almost made me cry, because It's so true, I do try and hide it because I don't want to be treated weird.  Before I say anymore, I'll just let you read my story:

Oh my goodness. I just about broke down in tears. I don't even know this girl, and she said something that made my day completely. I have been struggling so much lately with this, and have become so shy. I haven't personally shared my story with a lot of people, just because I am not looking for sympathy, and not looking to get attention, I only hope to encourage people who might be going through the same thing. I was born with a lot of complications, one being I was born without my right eye, and a deviated septum. I couldn't thank The Lord more for making me just the way he did, but sometimes I am so overwhelmed, especially when people are staring at me that I loose sight of this. A lot of people wonder why I am so shy, or why I wear my hair like I do, or why I try to always wear sunglasses. Honestly, I really don't WANT to hide it, I am just afraid of what people might think about me. Ever since I was little, I was bullied in school, and that broke me down to a point where I wasn't the "smiley, happy" Maddie that I once was. Just because I was born without my right eye doesn't mean I am different that anyone, or weird at all, and I believe that 100 %. I am so thankful for the people in my life that encourage me to just be myself, and to not be shy, because I am loved. I struggle so much with being shy, and trying to hide the way God made me, and I am done trying to hide myself from the world. I am so extremely blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine. NEVER let an insecurity bring you down, you are "fearfully and wonderfully made". I constantly have to remind myself that I am a daughter of the Almighty king, and nothing anyone can ever say to me can ever change that. THANK YOU to every single person who has encouraged me, shared there story or just have been there for me, I am so grateful for every moment I have on this earth, and I hope that someday I am able to encourage people with my story, just as others have done for me.

So, yep this is me.  It's been a rough couple of months trying to find myself in the midst of the storms that the Lord has chosen for me.  As I look back at this, I don't find myself embarrassed, I WANT people to know my story, because I want to encourage those who maybe don't feel like they have a voice.  If we didn't have people to come alongside us and encourage us, then our whole world would be a total mixed up mess.  I did not post this to get attention, I just felt called to share my story of who I really am, and to encourage others.  Yes, as a teenage girl, the drama and gossip and so on continues to go on around me.  I am not perfect by any means, I just try my hardest to not get sucked up into this mindset of girls that I see around me.  I know what its like to be on the other side of gossiping, and bullying, and I will be the first to tell you It is definitely not something the you would ever want to go through.  Having said that, If I would have not gone through the struggles (that even I am still facing today) I don't think I would be the same person that I am today.The Lord knows what he is doing in my life, even though sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no idea what he is doing, I know he has me right in the palm of his hand. Having the friends that I do, has been a blessing that I do not even have words for.  It means so much to me that I know I am loved, and It breaks my heart to think that people who are going through the same things don't necessarily feel that way.  This year, at SCA has been one of the biggest things in my life.  Even though I may not get a chance to thank everyone in person, I just want to say thank you so much to every single person that has made me feel welcome, encouraged me and prayed for me.  It means the world to me.  The Lord knows what he is doing, and his plan for me is more than I could ever imagine.