Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Courage in darkness...

Courage is something that is hard to have, and hard to hold on to, especially in the midst of a storm.  I am a strong believer that everything in life has purpose, and I find that so hypocritical in the midst of my anxiety.  It is true though, life has purpose, and it will take MANY times of people telling me that life has purpose until I can fully grasp it.  I want to start to share my story with people, because I want to heal.  I do want to get better.  I was born Madeleine Marie Regan.  My life started out being a challenge.  I was a premie baby, born 4Ibs 6 ounces.  My dad tells me stories of how he used to be able to hold me in the palm of his hand I was so small.  My parents tell me one of their favorite things about me is that I was born without my right eye.  I let the lies that this is a bad thing creep in much too often.  Before I was 3, I had multiple surgeries to remove fluid from my brain, and to do partial facial reconstruction.  I spent the first few years of my life in and out an hospitals, doctors, scans, pokes, and things that still to this day remain vivid in my mind.  My accessories were my head helmet to help the shape of my head to develop, and various pieces of gauze, tape and eye patches covering my right eye.  I don't remember all of it, but their are many pictures with me and my one bright blue eye staring back at the camera with the biggest smile.  I didn't know I was different from the other kids.  I thought that it was a normalcy to have one eye, and to have one side of my nose very much smaller than the other.  Innocence.  In 2nd grade kids would ask questions, they would stare and I hated it.  I was a little fire ball ready to fight and stand up for myself.  Thats when I remember loosing my "happiness".  Little by little I was fading away from the happy and bubbly Maddie that everyone knew.  I have always had the gift of sympathy, and would always love healing people with just a little smile.  So much has happened since those first years of my life, I crossed the line of being a teenager, I survived my freshman year of high school, a move thousands of miles from Arizona, and here I am today.  Today I hold onto courage that things do get better, everyone has their storm, and one day things WILL be better.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Endless love, Unconditionally

It has been long overdue for a post.  I was listening to the song 10,000 reasons this morning, and totally started to cry as I do every single time I hear this song.  It tugs at my heart like nothing else.  It was the song that we sang every year at every church camp on the night that brought so many kids to christ.  It was the song I sang through tearful eyes as I declared my love for Jesus as I was baptized this summer.  Not a lot of people know what has been happening in my life these past few months, and I am not here to share details, but to encourage others, and just be real.  I have been going through one of the hardest storms of my life these past few months.  I really have hit the bottom, but I listen to the song 10,000 reasons, I am reminded that there is SO much to live for.  I refused to hear this truth in the midst of my storm when I was questioning whether or not life was worth living.  While I am still recovering from the storm, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel that I didn't see before.  I just can't thank anyone enough for their prayers, and cards, and endless love for me and for my family as we battle this challenge.  I was in such a dark place these past few months.  I sing that song of 10,000 reasons for why I should live.  My purpose in this life isn't over yet.  I know that now. I thought that there was no reason for me to be alive, I was questioning God and his endless love for broken people, like me.  I just want to encourage anyone who is in a storm right now, and is yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Life is so worth living, and I want to scream that at the top of my lungs, because I know how it feels to be hopeless, and to shut people out, and to even go to far as to hurt yourself.  I promise you it isn't worth it.  I am forever grateful for the people that have loved me so unconditionally, so that I could be here today.  I do believe that things will be better.  I have not finished this trial yet, but seeing just a sliver of hope brings me so much hope for everything.  I made a poster that I put on my wall in my bedroom that says, "today I will choose joy".  This is what I need to tell myself, joy is worth living for.  The people in my life who know what is going on, THANK YOU for not giving up on me, especially my parents, you have blessed me more than I could ever say.

Today I will choose joy.