Monday, August 18, 2014

My top Makeup Picks for Summer 2014

These are my top everyday makeup picks for summer 2014!

Elta MD Skincare
Tinted Sunscreen and foundation

Instant Age Rewind Dark Circle Treatment Concealer

Dream Bouncy Blush in Fresh Pink

Saks Fifth Avenue
Blush and Bronzer

Vibrant in Vancouver Pallate

Perfect Point Plus
Eyeliner in Espresso

Voluminous Million Lashes Mascara

Residential Treatment

A month ago I stepped out of the doors of a place I had been for 3 months.  It was a gut wrenching experience.  It was hard, there were tears.  Overall my experience was a good one.  Residential did and continues to change my life as I look at possibilities for more treatment.  I want so badly to share my story and make an impact in this hurting world.  To let others know that they are not alone.  One of my biggest struggles is with self harm.  It became almost an addiction, to feel the pain because I felt so numb.  I continue to struggle with Self harm even today.  It is tearing apart my family and I can't let it do that anymore.  I am so sorry to all of those that I hurt by hurting myself.  That is why I am seeking more help.  Never be afraid to ask for help.  I have had to ask for help many times.  Heck, I even had to call the National Suicide Hotline.  Depression is so real.  I never would have wanted this for my life.  I want to be a normal 16 year old girl who doesn't have to be monitored 24/7.  I don't want to have to go into my little sisters room with blood dripping from my body crying for help.  I don't want to have to worry about my parents asking me to take meds.  What happened at the mall a few months ago, I planned.  I planned to cause damage.  I planned to cause hurt.  I scared the crap out of my boyfriend by pretending to pass out.  I am broken and crying out for help.  Lord, please pour your peace on me right now.  I need you now, I need to rest in you.  All of those things I have done were in a desperate attempt to show how much pain I am in.  I did this because I didn't want to communicate or didn't know how to communicate with my words.  It was like a knife in the heart.  Yes this post was meant to talk about Residential, but I suppose it turned into me communicating the pain I am experiencing.

I am stable now, but seeking out more help.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers, and pray for the Lords guidance in the next step he wants for me to take.  Whether thats back to Residential, or whatever he has planned.  This blog isn't meant to be shiny and happy, it is meant to be REAL.  It is simply me crying out saying that I am a broken child of God.  I continue to wake up every morning, still here, and it makes me cry because I know it means I have a purpose.  I feel so purposeless, but I know God has a plan when he continues to hold me when it seems that every fiber in my body is broken, my brain is fuzzy and I don't understand.  Because of this I will praise God everyday, and will continue to give him crumbs.  Some people would ask why, If there was a God would such a loving God allow so much pain?  I strongly believe that it is my purpose to go through all of this.  I will come out of this someday and will have proof of an amazing journey.

I love you all, and continue to stay strong,
<3 mads

Friday, August 15, 2014

Anxiety and Peanut Butter

Anxiety is a disorder.  You can't just snap your fingers and everything is okay.  You feel like you are drowning, having irrational thoughts.  Irrational thoughts that make you do irrational things.  I have found that in my life, as I look back I have let anxiety win far too many times.  Just like the scars on my arms, I can't let this define me.  That is letting the devil win.  I want to be that Pinterest quote that says: "I wanna be the type of girl, that when her feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil cringes and says "oh crap, SHES up.""  I refuse to let the devil have a foothold in my life with my anxiety.  Yes, I do have an anxiety disorder that feels like peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, and you work hard to get rid of it, and it is hard but it won't be there forever.  With a hell of a lot of work, I can kick anxiety's butt.  It won't be there forever as long as I am willing to do the work.

Much Love,

- mads <3

Playing with Fire...

"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness.  They are signs of having tried to remain strong for so long"
                   - anonymous

My mom shared (some obvious) insight with me today.  Everyone, someday will die.  We were talking in the context of cats oddly enough, but the point should still come across.  We are not meant to last forever, we are meant to last long enough to make an impact for the glory of the kingdom.  I am not weak because I cry myself to sleep, or have a panic attack, or are depressed.  I have dealt with pain for years now.  I am by no means giving up, but I am going to be open.

Yesterday was another tough day where I doubted if my existence on this earth meant anything to anyone, and I put my family and those who were close to the situation in between a rock and a hard place.  I am reaching out and asking for prayer tonight, for me, my family and for love and peace to surround our home as we are trying to figure this out.  I am beyond blessed to be apart of an amazing ministry called Death to Life Revolution.  Without them, I would not be here today.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Maddie Regan: My Video Blog

Check out and Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for Vlogs, DIY, and more!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

These scars, they are so real.

n. a mark left on something following damage of some kind.

A Hurting and broken person.  That was me, I was hurting and broken and I chose to cut my body.  In turn, leaving various scars.  I honestly always thought "Oh that will never be me, I will never do that to my body."  But here I am, and my scars would argue otherwise.  If you are reading this, and you can look yourself in the mirror and see scars, please know that you are not alone.  In fact you are never alone.  I was a walking dead girl.  I hid for too long.  I never spoke up and asked for help until things got out of hand.  I never stopped myself.  I wish I had, but at the same time it wouldn't allow me to share that experience with other people like me.  Cutting your body, or "Self harming" (Which can take many forms) is not the answer.  If I was honest with myself, I wouldn't listen to this advice, but this is why you NEED to.  It wasn't only hurting myself, but it was hurting others around me way worse.  The people I affected were left with emotional scars that nothing I could ever do could heal.  My family, my friends and everyone close to me was hurt every time I decided to break their trust in me.  I lost trust.  I lost my mind.  Now I can't look at a pencil sharpener and not think of the damage I could do, how corrupted is that?!  It has been 2 months, and a lot of hard work for me to say I am clean.  They are no longer cuts, but healing scars.  The definition of a scar is spot on.  I was damaged by depression and chose to cause scars, which in turn caused its own damage.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are reading this and hurting, I have a different answer for you.  Jesus.  Don't run for a blade, run for the cross as fast as you can.  You don't have to listen to me, after all Im just sixteen.  What do I know?  But I do know something.  I know that my scars are healing, and there is so much hope.

Death to life.  Like I said, I was a walking dead girl.  I went from death to life.  This website and this ministry helped change my life.  For all of those who are hurting and broken, it is an outlet for you to talk with other people about hope, instead of giving up.

I love you all, and always be strong.

Hebrews 2:10 -
"For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering."

<3 Mads

Monday, August 4, 2014

Happiness... A Testimony

There have been so many reasons to smile today and everyday.  Most of the time I ignore them, but I am so happy right now.  I am not going to ignore these things.  I just wanted to say how much people encouraging me through this has made me happier than words.  A good friend once gave me an amazing analogy.  Through this whole experience I feel like I have ignored the Lords will for me through this.  She told me that even if all I could give him was crumbs, that was OK.  He will take those crumbs and turn them into something amazing someday.  So there were days where all I could give were crumbs.  I would thank God for the simple things.  I remember when I got baptized.  It was at my favorite place in the entire world.  Kanakuk Kamps.  This place changed my life.  I was ready to finally tell the world that I have committed my entire life to the Lord, no more hiding things.  I was baptized at 9pm in Table Rock, together with some of my best friends.  Cabin 7.  A year at Kanakuk that will be unforgettable.  I grew closer to the Lord that year than I have been in such a long time.  If you are wondering what Kanakuk is, WELL it is craziness, happiness, hyperness, smiles, tears, love all mixed up in one.  Kanakuk is a sleep away camp in Missouri.  4 summers ago I went to K1, my first year at Kamp for a month.  K1.  My counselors Anna, Joanie, and Danielle changed my life and showed me what living a life devoted to Christ was really like.  Then the next year in middle school at K-West, Anna and Lexi were my counselors.  These women were amazing, they brought our cabin so close knitted in Christ's love, and again, were true examples of women devoted to a life of Christ.  Then last summer in 2013, I was ready to show my true commitment.  At K2, the summer before my Sophomore year in HS, I was baptized alongside so many girls from our cabin, and I couldn't thank Monica and Leah enough for being there for me and those girls in love and again, true examples of Christ loving women.  I didn't go to Kanakuk this year.  I was still in treatment when Term 1 started.  I cried a lot on that day, May 31st.  I wanted to be there so badly, to see my friends and be filled with the Lord.  God had something else in mind, healing in treatment.  Healing and resting in him.  I have met some of the most amazing people through the past 6 months in treatment, who have been there for me, and still encourage me today.  I want to go back to my residential treatment, just so I can give all of the staff a hug and say THANK YOU.  Thank you for changing my life so I can be living my life out in the world  today.  Like I said yesterday, this is my life, but I am living every day for the one who made the heavens and the earth.  This is his life he made for me.

If you wanna check it out I strongly encourage it, Kanakuk Kamps is an amazing ministry and I can't wait to go back. <--- Check it out, it will change your life, It changed mine.

Love y'all (an yes I say y'all, and I got that from spending my summers at Kanakuk in the midwest, and every time I say Y'all it makes me smile and think back to the summertime)

God Bless! - Mads <3

Sunday, August 3, 2014

This is my life.

I wish I could say this isn't my life.  I wish I had never caused this much pain.  I did.  This is my life.  As much as I want to change my past, and go back to the times where everything was happy, I cannot.  It built me to the person I am today.  I know many people are inspired by my blog, but I also know that my writing inflicts pain in a handful of people's hearts.  They don't want to see me like this.  Believe me, I don't want to see me like this.  Writing on this blog is therapeutic for me.  Most people don't get it unless you've lived it.  I lived for so long in a lie.  Hiding things from friends and family, lying, putting on this mask.  This blog is a blessing.  Yes I am going to be honest and blunt, but thats only because I have the guts to be transparent.  If people don't like what I am writing, than they can choose not to read it, it is simple.  I am not going to hide anymore.  I want the world to know my story.  This isn't about you, it isn't even about me, it is about healing and hope.  I would rather live life with abandon and learn things than hide in a dark hole.  No more hospitals, no more treatment centers.  That goes to say, I still have urges to hurt myself and people need to understand that.  I am taking a huge risk by saying that openly.  I am not fully recovered, but I AM getting stronger every single day.

This is my life and I wouldn't change a thing knowing that it brings hope and encouragement to so many people. "She was never crazy.  She just didn't let her heart settle in a cage.  She was born strong, and sometimes we need people like her.  For it's the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours.  She was always willing to burn for everything she ever loved. - RM Drake

I have come such a long way in these past few years.  I have endured the storm, and no the storm isn't over, but I know I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  This is who I am.  I am the girl with a story of hope.  Yes my story is hard and brutally honest, but thats who I want to be.  I was never crazy.  I am just like every other person.  I have one eye, and I wouldn't ever wish it different.  I have a birthmark shaped like a band aid on my arm, which makes me smile every time I look at it.  I have scars on my arms that remind me of a brutal past, but hope for a future.  They were once bleeding, but now there is healing.  I am not ashamed of these things, because yes.  This is who I am.  This is the new me, and I couldn't be happier because it means hope.