A month ago I stepped out of the doors of a place I had been for 3 months. It was a gut wrenching experience. It was hard, there were tears. Overall my experience was a good one. Residential did and continues to change my life as I look at possibilities for more treatment. I want so badly to share my story and make an impact in this hurting world. To let others know that they are not alone. One of my biggest struggles is with self harm. It became almost an addiction, to feel the pain because I felt so numb. I continue to struggle with Self harm even today. It is tearing apart my family and I can't let it do that anymore. I am so sorry to all of those that I hurt by hurting myself. That is why I am seeking more help. Never be afraid to ask for help. I have had to ask for help many times. Heck, I even had to call the National Suicide Hotline. Depression is so real. I never would have wanted this for my life. I want to be a normal 16 year old girl who doesn't have to be monitored 24/7. I don't want to have to go into my little sisters room with blood dripping from my body crying for help. I don't want to have to worry about my parents asking me to take meds. What happened at the mall a few months ago, I planned. I planned to cause damage. I planned to cause hurt. I scared the crap out of my boyfriend by pretending to pass out. I am broken and crying out for help. Lord, please pour your peace on me right now. I need you now, I need to rest in you. All of those things I have done were in a desperate attempt to show how much pain I am in. I did this because I didn't want to communicate or didn't know how to communicate with my words. It was like a knife in the heart. Yes this post was meant to talk about Residential, but I suppose it turned into me communicating the pain I am experiencing.
I am stable now, but seeking out more help. Please keep me and my family in your prayers, and pray for the Lords guidance in the next step he wants for me to take. Whether thats back to Residential, or whatever he has planned. This blog isn't meant to be shiny and happy, it is meant to be REAL. It is simply me crying out saying that I am a broken child of God. I continue to wake up every morning, still here, and it makes me cry because I know it means I have a purpose. I feel so purposeless, but I know God has a plan when he continues to hold me when it seems that every fiber in my body is broken, my brain is fuzzy and I don't understand. Because of this I will praise God everyday, and will continue to give him crumbs. Some people would ask why, If there was a God would such a loving God allow so much pain? I strongly believe that it is my purpose to go through all of this. I will come out of this someday and will have proof of an amazing journey.
I love you all, and continue to stay strong,