Sunday, August 3, 2014

This is my life.

I wish I could say this isn't my life.  I wish I had never caused this much pain.  I did.  This is my life.  As much as I want to change my past, and go back to the times where everything was happy, I cannot.  It built me to the person I am today.  I know many people are inspired by my blog, but I also know that my writing inflicts pain in a handful of people's hearts.  They don't want to see me like this.  Believe me, I don't want to see me like this.  Writing on this blog is therapeutic for me.  Most people don't get it unless you've lived it.  I lived for so long in a lie.  Hiding things from friends and family, lying, putting on this mask.  This blog is a blessing.  Yes I am going to be honest and blunt, but thats only because I have the guts to be transparent.  If people don't like what I am writing, than they can choose not to read it, it is simple.  I am not going to hide anymore.  I want the world to know my story.  This isn't about you, it isn't even about me, it is about healing and hope.  I would rather live life with abandon and learn things than hide in a dark hole.  No more hospitals, no more treatment centers.  That goes to say, I still have urges to hurt myself and people need to understand that.  I am taking a huge risk by saying that openly.  I am not fully recovered, but I AM getting stronger every single day.

This is my life and I wouldn't change a thing knowing that it brings hope and encouragement to so many people. "She was never crazy.  She just didn't let her heart settle in a cage.  She was born strong, and sometimes we need people like her.  For it's the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours.  She was always willing to burn for everything she ever loved. - RM Drake

I have come such a long way in these past few years.  I have endured the storm, and no the storm isn't over, but I know I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  This is who I am.  I am the girl with a story of hope.  Yes my story is hard and brutally honest, but thats who I want to be.  I was never crazy.  I am just like every other person.  I have one eye, and I wouldn't ever wish it different.  I have a birthmark shaped like a band aid on my arm, which makes me smile every time I look at it.  I have scars on my arms that remind me of a brutal past, but hope for a future.  They were once bleeding, but now there is healing.  I am not ashamed of these things, because yes.  This is who I am.  This is the new me, and I couldn't be happier because it means hope.

1 comment:

  1. The night before Jesus was crucified, he was in the garden praying. He didn't want to go through the painful journey he was about embark on. Then he saw you and the struggles that you would go through and he didn't want you to be alone. You were in his prayers, you became his passion. He knows your everyday of your life and he understands you: he too was anxious, to the point the he was sweating blood; he too has scars in his wrists, from the nails that hung him on the cross and he too knows how it feels to feel abandoned by God. BUT he knew that the only way he could save you was to die on that cross, defeat the power of sin and death and rise again. The same power that Jesus used to conquer satan, is the same power that dwells within you. God is the giver of new life, our redeemer, our wonderful counselor, the prince of peace and almighty king. He will be the light that guides you in the darkness. I am praying for you, stay strong girly!!