Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Courage in darkness...

Courage is something that is hard to have, and hard to hold on to, especially in the midst of a storm.  I am a strong believer that everything in life has purpose, and I find that so hypocritical in the midst of my anxiety.  It is true though, life has purpose, and it will take MANY times of people telling me that life has purpose until I can fully grasp it.  I want to start to share my story with people, because I want to heal.  I do want to get better.  I was born Madeleine Marie Regan.  My life started out being a challenge.  I was a premie baby, born 4Ibs 6 ounces.  My dad tells me stories of how he used to be able to hold me in the palm of his hand I was so small.  My parents tell me one of their favorite things about me is that I was born without my right eye.  I let the lies that this is a bad thing creep in much too often.  Before I was 3, I had multiple surgeries to remove fluid from my brain, and to do partial facial reconstruction.  I spent the first few years of my life in and out an hospitals, doctors, scans, pokes, and things that still to this day remain vivid in my mind.  My accessories were my head helmet to help the shape of my head to develop, and various pieces of gauze, tape and eye patches covering my right eye.  I don't remember all of it, but their are many pictures with me and my one bright blue eye staring back at the camera with the biggest smile.  I didn't know I was different from the other kids.  I thought that it was a normalcy to have one eye, and to have one side of my nose very much smaller than the other.  Innocence.  In 2nd grade kids would ask questions, they would stare and I hated it.  I was a little fire ball ready to fight and stand up for myself.  Thats when I remember loosing my "happiness".  Little by little I was fading away from the happy and bubbly Maddie that everyone knew.  I have always had the gift of sympathy, and would always love healing people with just a little smile.  So much has happened since those first years of my life, I crossed the line of being a teenager, I survived my freshman year of high school, a move thousands of miles from Arizona, and here I am today.  Today I hold onto courage that things do get better, everyone has their storm, and one day things WILL be better.

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