Just Keep Swimming...

It is all real life today.  I suppose it is every other day, but today feels different.  I had freedom today.  I am capable of a lot of things but today I am making good decisions.  I got to be alone for a couple of hours which is refreshing considering I have been under constant surveillance for 4 months.  It was good.  I ate some ice cream (duhh) :) and had a lot of time to think.  I thought a lot about how I need to be more real.  I have been such a fake for so long, putting on a smile and living life.  I was living a lie.  Going back to my freshman year of high school.  I was the seemingly sweet and shy girl, who was always nervous and almost never spoke up in class.  I was at SCA.  I thought I was happy.  I wore cardigans to hide scars, I would avoid eating lunch and lie about it, I was anxious up to my ears.  It was a silent battle, one I wasn't willing to share with anyone except for a few people.  I wanted so badly to be popular, to be known but something was holding me back.  I LOVED choir and wanted so badly to be apart of the drama department, but every time I went to audition I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was ridiculous.  This wasn't me.  When I was little, my parents took me to disneyland.  All day I begged my parents to buy one of those spray fans from the merchandise carts.  I was just a little girl, but I knew what I wanted.  My parents patiently told me that they did not want to pay for anything like that.  In my tiny brain, I took it upon myself to get this fan.  I walked up to an older couple and reported that there was a fan that I wanted and my parents couldn't pay for it.  My parents were horrified, and the couple felt bad so eventually somehow I ended up with a mickey mouse spray fan that day.  See?!  I wasn't afraid to go after  what I wanted then, so why couldn't I now?  I didn't realize it then but it was severe depression and anxiety that were swallowing me whole.  I prayed continually that year for SOMETHING that would make me felt like I belonged at that school.  God opened my eyes so wide to the work he was doing in my heart that year.  I had countless friends who came alongside me, and blessed me by being there for me.  Secretly part of me wishes I never left that school.  I miss SCA a lot, all of the friends, all of the teachers, all the amazing memories.  Yes, you could say that it was one of the worst years of my life, with the escalating of my eating disorder, consuming depression and anxiety.  But no.  That was not God's plan for me and it still is not.  I'm not meant to wallow and feel bad for my past, but to change my life and run as fast as I can towards the cross.  I was given these trials for a purpose.  For the purpose much greater than I could ever imagine.  I just want to reach into my computer and hug every hurting person who reads this and cry with them, and tell them that everything is going to be just fine.  Yeah life sucks, and throws a ton of crap (being real y'all, life can have crap sometimes) at you from all directions.  We are made strong by our heavenly father, you can do it!  Never give up, for a sunny day is coming.  Tomorrow is always waiting.  I love you all, and God bless!!

-Mads