Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Today was a big victory day. A victory day is something I came up with when I was struggling to find hope for my future. When it started out, a victory was something as simple as remembering to take my medicine, or actually showing up to therapy. Those victories were called "small victories". Each accomplishment small, but moving me towards bigger successes. The small victories gradually got bigger and bigger. Adding to the list of everyday victories was getting back into a routine with school. There were days when depression took over, and even eating breakfast was a huge deal. See, this is how it is. When you struggle with something like depression, you learn to set aside the big things and just do everything you can to fight to make it to the next day, and on the bad days even to the next hour. It's all about the fight, and the strength. It is hard. I know it is. It really sucks some days, and you just want to give up and scream that you are a failure and can't even remember to feed the cat. Let me tell you one thing.. and listen closely. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You made it today. You win a battle the second you put your feet on the ground in the morning, and fight for the little things. It's okay that your goal at the moment maybe isn't to get into Harvard. Maybe it is just to find happiness in that day. That is okay. I got my drivers permit today. This was my big victory. I never thought that would be possible for years, given what I have been through up until even a few days ago. I am living proof that you can defy the odds even if its a million to one chance. Walking out of the DMV today, to someone they might be happy for me, but for me personally it went so much deeper than that. It meant that with that same strength and fight I use even to get though the day, I could do anything. So don't loose sight of that when you are feeling hopeless. Yes, it might seem impossible at the moment. Heck, a month ago I was sitting in the emergency room in yet another one of those 'bad days'. That was a month ago. 30 days. But, here I am now. I am still moving forward in the ways that I can. It isn't downhill from here, I will still struggle. It simply goes to show that even though life can kick the living daylights out of you, you don't have to let the depression win. You have the choice to fight. I'm going into the next year ready to face whatever comes, knowing how far I have come. Don't give up just yet, God isn't done with you. The unknown day will come when I will pass away, but I am not going to be the one to make that decision. I have been to the edge, ready to take that jump, and it is one of the darkest places a person could ever be. Something in me knew I had to stay, if not for myself, but for others. My life isn't about me. It is about serving others, and going through experiences that shape who I am. Most of all, it is about the big guy upstairs. With Christ we can do all things, even the most seemingly hopeless.