Monday, January 19, 2015

Baby Steps [Baby Bites]

Full Disclosure: The following post is an honest description of how I feel, and is not in any way meant to upset or offend anyone. Some parts are darker than others as a result of just writing candidly. This blog is not meant to sugar coat mental health, but to try to explain how it really is, and how you can grow and find hope even in really hard or depressing places.

I can feel my body shutting down. This isn't good. I could say I never meant to take it this far, but did I? 4 years of denying myself a healthy amount of caloric intake. This is not what I wanted. My brain is so foggy that I can't even remember why I started this. It doesn't even really matter why I got to this place does it? It's how I'm going to get out of it. Learning to tell myself that food is good. It's so much harder than you could ever imagine. People who have not experienced an eating disorder firsthand, through a loved one, or even yourself don't always get it. Its not as simple as just eating again. Eating a slice of pizza isn't simple, in fact in my brain its catastrophic. That is really how it feels. I see food as a number. Well, in reality I see two numbers. I see the number of calories, and I also see how much I weigh. It all started with the desire for perfection. It started with just one thought. Then it became my controller. It consumed me. Simple things like going out to eat, family dinners, grocery stores.. they are all agonizing. This isn't how it is supposed to be. I hate to admit it, but it all started with me knowing this was the reality, and not stopping myself even when I knew about the damage that was caused. Well here I am. I sleep for 14+ hours a day, because my body can't function for more than 10 hours before I crash. Ensure Plus is a staple (even though the mass of calories freaks the heck out of me). I can't handle solid food, so I'm on a baby diet of soft foods. If I happen to eat solid food, it doesn't always stay down. All food intake comes in a package of guilt, nausea, and anxiety.  Eating Disorders are serious. If I can't get myself to start eating again, it won't be long before a feeding tube goes in. Yep. It has gone that far. Only a few pounds away from the hospital. I hate this disorder. It controls my life when all I want is for it to go away. It will get easier probably, but it will always be in the back of my mind. It takes a whole lot of Jesus to get through the day, and a whole lot of faith that he is with me to get through this life.  The good thing is that he IS with me, and with all of us. I just need to embrace the idea of "Resting in Him", because I can do (an conquer) all things through Christ who strengthens me. Xx, maddie

No comments:

Post a Comment